Before I trust anyone...

Before I trust anyone that I meet I put them through a serious assessment. I go through my mental check list: height, weight, ability to survive a potential zombie apocalypse... the important things.  Then when the timing is right (and I make sure it is since this can sometimes come off the wrong way.  I highly suggest you try this as well) I ask one simple question, a question developed by my friends and I while watching shark week one summer in college... who would win in a fight to the death:

BEAR VS. SHARK

Now I know what you are thinking.  Blah blah blah whats the environment? Blah blah blah they have different attack mechanisms. Yeah, I don't care what you think. Have an imagination and make this fun which you clearly cannot do if you can answer a simple question that requires like the smallest amount of creativity ever.  Which is why I can't trust you if you can't answer this question and why it's the most important to consider while judging the potential friendship being laid out in front of you. I'm a good friend to have too; I'm really fun and enjoy doing things like making smores in the toaster over, playing the lava game while drunk at 2:30 in the morning, and making blanket forts in preparation for big weather like Hurricane Irene and Superstorm Sandy.  But if for some reason you can't figure out a way to come up with some sort of answer for this question, all of that fun is off the table! It doesn't even need to be the right answer (which we'll discuss later), it just needs to be your opinion of whether or not a bear would tear a shark apart at the gills.

Which brings me to the real part of this blog.. 

OF COURSE THE BEAR WOULD WIN!!! I know he looks all nice and innocent in the picture obtained from Google as pasted above but come on! A bear would fuck you up..

 

Usually when I bring this up and people decide to get snooty and bring up the fact that bears and sharks don't share the same environment (like I didn't know that) I like to give them something to hang on to for a second chance at the fact that maybe they aren't a huge douchebag, but chances aren't good. So I tell them to imagine the bear and shark in some sort of vacuum or in space or something.  This usually brings them down to a level that we can share a friendly debate over the topic which usually ends poorly since there is clearly only one way this could go down and here it is: the bell would ring and the shark would immediately dive down and dip back up quickly to get a fast attack on the bear, but the bear, completely aware of whats going on takes a single step back.  The shark, on his way up to tear the bear's intestines out gets stopped by the bears razor sharp claws.  The bear digs his claws deeper into the sharks gills cutting off the only sharks hopes of breathing the water/air hybrid that apparently exists in space.  While the shark is getting his gills ripped out the bear is also goings after the shark right under his massive jaw since there is a major artery.  The bleeding kills him before the lack of oxygen...... but that's only my opinion.

Now this technique on prejudging potential friends in the scary world out there is almost proven to be 100% effective. Almost everyone that has answered this question turned out to be really chill and fun and those that couldn't have been eliminated from my life.  I highly recommend it as a topic for your net dinner party.

PS. we came up with if first.