I need to write about it even though words are clunky and ill descriptive. I still need to write to process. One of my friends told me that she and I write about the same things- 'we both write about paradigm shifts' she said. And at that moment I realized... apparently I write about paradigm shifts.
When I started working at my current job, I honestly thought I would be there for less then a year. I had just gotten back from Africa with a bright and shiny, brand new Registered Dietitian license and I had legitimately no clue what I wanted to do or where I wanted to do it. Before I left for Africa I had run into an old supervisor of mine downtown and he yelled something about the club looking for a dietitian over the ear splitting music that Burlington bars insist on playing at full blast. Great, I thought. I'll work this job long enough to put Registered Dietitian on my resume and see where that can take me. 2 life altering years later, I found myself sitting in the president's office petrified, and staring at my feet while I try to find the courage to tell him that I'm leaving.
I didn't realize how much courage it takes to side swipe someone with news like this. It felt like I was splitting my soul apart. As a society, we wrap up so much of who we are into what we do, that when we ultimately decide to change courses, it feels like the part of ourselves that we've devoted to our work has been severed. Or is that just me? I kept thinking all day about how this must have been how Voldemort felt when he created his horcruxes. Although a little less murder for me, I'm just going to graduate school. I've been questioning everything lately- like more than usual, and I just realized while writing that last sentence that it was because I've assigned so much of myself to my work. See, this is why I write. I've intertwined so much of who I am and how I feel accomplishment into showing up at work everyday that when I imagine not doing that, I start to wonder who I am.
When I was 21, my entire family got together in the Berkshires for a family reunion. Among a weekend of shenanigans, including one of my cousins throwing up in the sink, my grandfather stood up at the end of the very long table, 20 Bunn faces looking back at him, and he said 'To my grandchildren- whatever you do with your life, always help people.' So I did. I've devoted the entirety of my work related bandwidth toward helping people improve their health behaviors. Over my two years I've done 400 assessments. 400. 400 people, I've sat in front of in an attempt to help them improve their health. With every one of these 400 people, I had a choice. I could remain clinical and on the surface, I could write meal plans and base them off of numbers and nutrients... or I could move in. I could hear out their stories, ask them difficult questions, and encourage them to find the intrinsic motivation for behavior change. I chose the later and because of that choice, I’ve created an environment that feels impossible to leave. Our team at work is perfect. We challenge each other to grow personally and professionally. And only because of my credentials and my ability to bill insurance, I’ve been propped up to have an enormous support system under me. Touching on reliance seems greedy right now, but the reality is that without the insurance piece, our program isn’t nearly as successful. So while my coworkers may talk like they are reliant on me, it's actually my license that they're reliant on.
Sounds like the perfect job, right? My director is brilliant and hard working. When she dreams big it scares me a little, because I know she will actually accomplish it. And! She brings all of us with her. My coworkers are highly empathetic and deeply caring. We wrap ourselves up with each other and actively play a role in the development of our program and of each other. My clients are inspiring and challenge me at times. But, when they open up and trust the process, the results are life changing. So why would I leave? Why would I give it all up? Why would I go back to school to study a field that I already have a job in? Because. Healthy behaviors are just that- behavior. Which can be influenced, given the right circumstances... and we don't live in a world that has the right circumstances. And I want to change that. This might be my millennial showing, but I really think that I can make a difference on a vast scale.
I've discovered a whole new side of myself during this process.
I've never considered myself a risk taker. Call me a taurus, but I just loveeee security. Stability, security, and logic have been heavy influencers through most of my life, but now here I am, leaving a job that I could have forever to move across the country and study a field that could be wiped away and underfunded by the national government in the blink of an eye. Again, why?
My relationship with risk changed when I jumped out of an Alaskan helicopter to ski down an enormous powder field with an avalanche beacon and a harness on 'just in case you fall into a crevasse'. It was at that point that I realized what was on the other side of risk. Again, words are clunky, but I recognized that when I move though risk and fear, the other side is overhead blower powder; it's intoxicating. It was then that my relationship with risk shifted from avoidant to calculated. Sure skiing in avalanche territory was risky, but I had a beacon, a harness, and most importantly a guide. Calculated risk is when we can appropriately consider our cons and choose to face them instead of dodge them. Having someone to guide and mentor us through the process, I've found is imperative. Giving yourself to them while they guide and mentor you is... essential.
So, as I prepare to leave my work, family, and friends, pack up my car, and take off on this next chapter- I try to keep one word on my mind. Opportunity. The opportunity that I have in front of me to further effect change in my career field and the opportunity that I'm leaving behind for my current job to find someone better than me. West coast, here I come.
