Day 8: Quotes from my notes.

Traveling home wasn't nearly as terrible as on the way there.  Other than switching my flight to an earlier one and a second security requirement forcing me to throw away my morning coffee, it was pretty seamless.. It might have been the lack of coffee, or maybe the tequila the night before, but even with the 6 hours I got to spend in Newark airport, I just didn't feel like putting the effort into reflecting on my time in Panama.  Now, with the laundry in the washer, my fridge restocked, and Kwasi snuggling on my lap I can reminisce on the beautiful 8 days that I spent in paradise.
Instead of going through the details of our day by day experience, I'm going to take the structure from one of the posts on a friend's blog (Hey Casey!) and do a little 'quotes from my notes' post.

"What's the journal for?" -Carol
"...it's for you!" -Sarah
-On all of our pre-trip check lists the retreat kept telling us not to forget our notebooks and a pen.  For me, this was a given.  I've had this blog since 2013 in an attempt to write down my thoughts and remember this period of my life, but I also started keeping a journal after Alaska.  It's helped me so incredibly that I sometimes forget that others don't journal all the time.  I use it to doodle in, to write down my intentions for each day, and to try and process.  Things happen so rapidly these days, I feel like I just need to write some of them down in an attempt to understand them.  Like I said, bringing a notebook to Panama was a no brainer for me, I actually spent almost an hour picking out the perfect one for 2018 :)

'United Conformation: MKZW25' -me
-This one is only in there because I had to put that stupid confirmation code into the united app, and punch into the phone so many times during the first 12 hours of traveling.  More on that here if you didn't read my first post.

'Release from 2017: the idea that my story isn't worth telling.
Intention for 2018: Openness ▲ Curiosity' -me
-The first journal exercise that we did as a group was to write down something that we wanted to release from 2017, and an intention for 2018.  These were mine.  Because I had already done plenty of reflecting on the New Year, my intentions for 2018 were wayyy easier then what I had to release.  It took me a while to come up with it, and when I finally realized what had made my 2017 so life changing, was the fact that I started sharing my story with others, the next logical step was for me to leave that behind.

'In human affairs of danger and delicacy successful conclusion is sharply limited by hurry.  So often men trip by being in a rush.' -John Steinbeck, East of Eden
-In other words; slow down, don't be in so much of a rush all the time. I was reading East of Eden during the trip and jotted this one down one day while sun worshipping by the pool with Sarah.  Any one that has been abroad, especially to Africa, has experienced 'Africa time'.  No one is on time to anything there, no one is in a hurry to get anywhere or do anything.  I've heard the same of the Caribbean islands.  They've realized that it's not going to make you any happier to worry about punctuality, and in our case.. the beach wasn't going anywhere.

'Ultimately, I try hard, just to not be a dick.  And I think however anyone gets there is fine with me' -Laura
-I was talking with a midwestern real estate agent in her 50s/ practicing Buddhist about organized religion and this came out of her.  In context, she was unhappy with the way most organized religions ostracize each other... I couldn't agree more.

'Life is so hard for you' -Sarah
-I was struggling- hard- with my beach chair in this moment.  There were a few times during our trip that we needed to check each other on our circumstantial suffering.  This one was a good reminder.

'I learned that somethings are out of my control.  You think, you know that's true, then you learn how wrong you were about that' -Jenny
-It was Jenny's birthday and I asked her what she learned over the past year.  This is what she said.  In context, she's an amazing mother of 3, and she's had a difficult time over the past year finding the balance between things that she can and cannot control in a world raising 3 toddlers.  Jenny was wiser than she knew, and each one of the girls on the retreat that hoped to someday have children got some take aways from the way she was open and honest about motherhood.

'Hold this intention in the present tense.  And then build a lifestyle that allows for this.' -Alex
- Alex was the other yoga instructor and she said this during our yoga nidra class.  She so elegantly described a way of living that forces you to be better all the time.

'Connection doesn't always have to look the way that I think it does' -me
-I wrote this one down after our final yoga class.  This was a big take away for the whole trip for me.  This, and the fact that's it's not all about me.  I was struggling in the beginning because I felt like I was making connections with some of the people on the retreat, and not with others.  What I realized, though was that while I wasn't the one connecting with them, that didn't mean they weren't connecting with those on the trip, that they were meant to.  It's not all about me, just because I'm not the one helping them through an emotional release, or helping them understanding something about themselves, or helping them reconnect with themselves- that doesn't mean it's not happening.  And ultimately that's all that matters.  I also realized that connection doesn't have to be verbal.  My 11th grade spanish skills only got me so far, but it didn't matter.  I tried hard to erase the language barrier with eye contact, touch, and inflection.  And it worked!  Those that were helping me, understood how grateful I was to them. Those that I helped, seamlessly expressed their appreciation for me.  And this happened more often then not.  Wallets were forgotten on tables, phones were dropped, directions were needed.. and every time someone was leaping to the rescue to help.  And I think that's beautiful.  Again, I'm not completely sure how this trip will change me until it does.  But, what's exciting is how excited I am about that.  It feels like I have a change on my horizon and for the first time in a while, I'm excited about it, instead of terrified.

Day 0: I have the worst luck with traveling.

I have the worst luck with traveling. And it seems like it’s especially terrible if I’m going anywhere near the New York City area.

Before Christmas, I was supposed to go see Hannah, one of my long distance best friends, for a couple of hours while she was visiting the east coast. And try as the universe might, it wasn’t going to keep me from hugging her. There was a sleepless night, a towed car, freezing rain, and a delayed train- but even through all of that, I still got to spend a night drinking whiskey and reading tarot cards with my oldest friend. 

That was just a silly anecdote to show what I mean when I say that traveling near The City isn’t my friend. This time was a little different. The ‘ice bomb cyclone’, as it was so appropriately named, grounded the first leg of the next travel adventure that I signed myself up for.  After a tearful phone call to Maree (another long distance best friend with whom I was supposed to be staying during the first night of my trip), an extra night at home, and convincing a very confused rental car agent to not charge me twice for the same vehicle- I broke land speed records to try to reach Newark on time for my international flight.  Upon arrival, after getting moderately lost returning my rental car, I walked up to the check in kiosk, scanned my passport, and my heart fell through the floor. ‘Check in time to close to departure time. See agent for assistance.’ I admit, I was cutting it close showing up at noon for a 2:50pm international departure but, like I said ‘ice bomb cyclone’ weather and, honestly, I didn’t think it was THAT bad. I dragged my heavy heart over to the ticket counter and texted third best friend, Sarah that I unfortunately wouldn’t be meeting her in paradise until at least a day later.. *inhale*

Sarah and I have been playing the manifest game since I got home from Alaska last April so, bless her heart, as soon as she heard I was having travel problems she started working her manifest magic on me. And guess what... it worked! Sarah’s proven her manifest magic to me multiple times, once in a very helpful and hazy way at a music festival.  But, seriously- good karma follows this girl around and those of us that she chooses to share it with, only have gratitude to repay her with. A very sympathetic, and kind eyed ticket agent for United must’ve felt so bad for me- I was a poor shell of a person at this moment. So she expedited my baggage, put me through quick security and got me to my gate. With over an hour to spare.  Props United. *exhale*

I always get the worst travel anxiety.  I’ve had full blown panic attacks in the Chicago airport more times than I’m comfortable with. It’s almost like an imposter syndrome thing. When I’m traveling, I’m absolutely convinced that I’m like Jim Carey on the Truman Show and that everyone in my world is an actor meant to trick me into thinking that I’m about to go on an incredible adventure only to have me show up and it all be a joke. I check and double check my gate and seat assignments. Then I check and double check my ability to read numbers and letters- just to make sure I’ll be in the right place. So when things like my car getting towed and my flight getting canceled happen, it shackles me to the idea that somethings are out of my hands.  What a way to learn that lesson. 

The most recent inquiry into my soul has brought me to the runway of the Newark, New Jersey airport on a plane to Panama City to meet up with Sarah and a group of 10ish others, for an amazing, off grid, week in paradise doing all of the yoga, stand up paddle boarding, surfing, and adventuring that we can handle.  Because this retreat is happening at the beginning of the year, I can’t help but to use it to reflect on 2017 and to set some things into motion for 2018.  

There are a lot of complaints circling the internet about 2017 and I guess for good reason. I mean, Trump is still horrifying, we lost Tom Petty, and the climate continues to remind us that we have finite resources available to us. But, personally, I have very few complaints about the last year.  Call it lucky, but so far every year has been better than the last for me.

Lucky. We toss that word around to much. And without it’s full meaning. Life changing, too. And my 2017 was both.  When I was standing, teaching, in front of my first college class; when I was climbing out of a helicopter to chase Lynsey down the powder fields of Alaska and when I was sitting in Bernie Sanders office ready to advocate for my profession.. when I was sleeping under the stars and moon with my best friends; when I was prancing around music festivals and tearing down Sugarbush and Killington on my mountain bike.. when I was climbing up the Northeast’s most famous rock climbing pitches and when I was at a past life regression with my now incredible therapist. When I was celebrating as 2 of my friends got engaged and another 2 got married; when I was watching my coworkers and friends raise they’re new-borns into toddlerhood; and when I was watching as my clients were taking control of their health in the most positive and mind altering manner.. even when I was saying goodbye to one of my best friends as she made a career move to a city 10 hours away from me. I could still only stand back and ask myself- how. flipping. lucky. am I to be exactly there. In that moment. With those people. 

That. That, along with less social media and more fiction is what I want out of my 2018. I want to build and cherish more of the moments where my only option, the only thing I can possibly do- is ask myself how the hell I got there and how lucky I am to be.

In the final post about my trip to Alaska I wrote that I wasn’t sure how the trip had changed me, but I knew that it had. I’m still not entirely sure, but here’s 1 thing that I do know about how I’ve changed. I’ve connected with those close to me in remarkably new ways. The connections that I have with my friends, family, coworkers, and clients have been strengthened through mutual openness, honesty, and trust. I’ve seen absolute blind leaps of faith taken- on both sides.  My friends and I have chosen to share our stories and to expose our deeply rooted vulnerabilities, and insecurities to each other with only a shred of hope that it will help with mutual understanding. But, from those leaps, from that vulnerability, and from mutual empathy, we’ve seen exactly how close two people can feel.  I genuinely feel closer now to the people around me then I ever have and I didn’t realize how important that was to me until the other day. Through a simple conversation, I was reminded that life isn’t always this good. Life can, and probably will, get very cruel. Philosopher David Benetar describes the asymmetry of joy and suffering in an episode of the Waking Up podcast with Sam Harris.  Jobs will be lost, break ups will happen, loved ones will be ripped away from us, and the stability that we build will crumble, all in a split second.  And when that happens, who do I want in my corner?  The people that understand me. 

That. That is what has been so life changing about my 2017. And that’s what I want more of from my 2018.

So as my plane lands and I experience a soul freeing week, unplugged, and in paradise, I can only dream of what the rest of this year has in store for me.