The person who I am, has changed...

The person who I am, has changed.  A lot.  My last post was about some of that change, this one will probably will be the same.  What can I say, I'm not a big fan of it, so it's on my mind a lot these days.  I'm sitting on the floor of my room.  I won't have a bed for the next 2 months.  I won't be spending more than a week in one place for the same amount of time.  That's a lot of change.  I changed my mind, this isn't going to be about that.

One thing that has changed about me, is how much I've gotten to know myself.  It is naive of me to say that I know myself well, but I think that I have a solid grasp at the moment.  To ask me how is an impossible question.  Ask me how long it will last and I will have the same answer.  I have no idea.

If you're interested: one of the ways that I try to get to know myself is through learning about new things.  Each new thing that I try is a guess and check effort to see if what I'm doing feels right.  If it does, that's great, I'll keep doing that.  If not, maybe I'll give it a few more go's, but I'm not going feel guilty about putting it aside.

One cool thing about always learning about yourself, is that if you come across something about yourself that could use some improvement, you get to then put some gentle attention into it.  And with that gentle attention, you then get an attempt at making that something, just a little bit better.  I did a webinar a couple months ago about getting 'unstuck' in your life.  Not that I assumed that I was stuck anywhere, I was just curious about what could be said on the topic- after all, just because I'm not stuck now, that doesn't mean I won't ever be.  And, I found out, that when it comes to any situation, someone might find themselves stuck in one of two ways of being.  You can be stuck in the stimulus of something, circulating around how this particular situation makes you feel, and why it makes you feel that way, and what it should feel like instead.  Or you can be stuck in the response, always concerning yourself with what to do next.  And the only way out is to find the middle ground of the two.

I've been stuck in the stimulus of leaving for school.  How am I supposed to be feeling about this?  Have I been feeling that way for too long?  Is it time to start feeling a different way about it?  So, in an effort to place some gentle attention on the response, I'm going to draft a letter to the people who I may come across on this next chapter.

Dear friend,
I'm a taurus (if you're into that kind of thing), and I know myself well.  How well, you ask?  Well enough that I can tell you upfront that everything that I, and everyone else, says has deeper meaning to it.  An added layer, propping up our statement, developed from the pivotal moments that stack up behind it.  Where the meanings of my words come from is a story for another day, but here are some examples of what I really mean when I utter these phrases:
How are you? - Different from 'how was your day?', when I ask how you are, I'm more interested in how things are going for you right now.  And how you feel about it.  Tell me, I'm listening.
I've got a lot going on. - Friendship is an equality thing for me, and I don't open up easily.  If I'm reaching out, it's because I need help with something, and I think that you are just the person for that job.
I miss you. - Thank you, new friend, by the way, for sticking with me long enough for me to notice your absence.  So, when I tell you that 'I miss you' though, what I really mean is- I miss your presence.  And i miss the the way that I feel in that presence.
I miss my friends from home. - Jealously is a difficult emotion.  And I'm not trying to evoke that in you, I just truly miss home.  It was amazing there and I loved it with all of my heart.  And as you have already seen, new friend, I have a deeper meaning for 'missing' something.  So it's been difficult.  But, maybe one day, if you haven't already been lucky enough to visit, I'll be able to show you around the place I called home for so long.
I love you. - When you make it here, you are a part of me.  I wouldn't be my same self without you.
So thank you, new friend, for reading along; and if you still don't think I'm too weird to hang out with, then let's keep doing it until you do.  Hobbies, likes, and dislikes listed separately.  For real though, I'm glad our paths crossed and I'm looking forward to you helping me to call this new place home so if you want to grab a drink or a kombucha sometime, or help me walk my dog, just let me know. xoxo.