Day 0: I have the worst luck with traveling.

I have the worst luck with traveling. And it seems like it’s especially terrible if I’m going anywhere near the New York City area.

Before Christmas, I was supposed to go see Hannah, one of my long distance best friends, for a couple of hours while she was visiting the east coast. And try as the universe might, it wasn’t going to keep me from hugging her. There was a sleepless night, a towed car, freezing rain, and a delayed train- but even through all of that, I still got to spend a night drinking whiskey and reading tarot cards with my oldest friend. 

That was just a silly anecdote to show what I mean when I say that traveling near The City isn’t my friend. This time was a little different. The ‘ice bomb cyclone’, as it was so appropriately named, grounded the first leg of the next travel adventure that I signed myself up for.  After a tearful phone call to Maree (another long distance best friend with whom I was supposed to be staying during the first night of my trip), an extra night at home, and convincing a very confused rental car agent to not charge me twice for the same vehicle- I broke land speed records to try to reach Newark on time for my international flight.  Upon arrival, after getting moderately lost returning my rental car, I walked up to the check in kiosk, scanned my passport, and my heart fell through the floor. ‘Check in time to close to departure time. See agent for assistance.’ I admit, I was cutting it close showing up at noon for a 2:50pm international departure but, like I said ‘ice bomb cyclone’ weather and, honestly, I didn’t think it was THAT bad. I dragged my heavy heart over to the ticket counter and texted third best friend, Sarah that I unfortunately wouldn’t be meeting her in paradise until at least a day later.. *inhale*

Sarah and I have been playing the manifest game since I got home from Alaska last April so, bless her heart, as soon as she heard I was having travel problems she started working her manifest magic on me. And guess what... it worked! Sarah’s proven her manifest magic to me multiple times, once in a very helpful and hazy way at a music festival.  But, seriously- good karma follows this girl around and those of us that she chooses to share it with, only have gratitude to repay her with. A very sympathetic, and kind eyed ticket agent for United must’ve felt so bad for me- I was a poor shell of a person at this moment. So she expedited my baggage, put me through quick security and got me to my gate. With over an hour to spare.  Props United. *exhale*

I always get the worst travel anxiety.  I’ve had full blown panic attacks in the Chicago airport more times than I’m comfortable with. It’s almost like an imposter syndrome thing. When I’m traveling, I’m absolutely convinced that I’m like Jim Carey on the Truman Show and that everyone in my world is an actor meant to trick me into thinking that I’m about to go on an incredible adventure only to have me show up and it all be a joke. I check and double check my gate and seat assignments. Then I check and double check my ability to read numbers and letters- just to make sure I’ll be in the right place. So when things like my car getting towed and my flight getting canceled happen, it shackles me to the idea that somethings are out of my hands.  What a way to learn that lesson. 

The most recent inquiry into my soul has brought me to the runway of the Newark, New Jersey airport on a plane to Panama City to meet up with Sarah and a group of 10ish others, for an amazing, off grid, week in paradise doing all of the yoga, stand up paddle boarding, surfing, and adventuring that we can handle.  Because this retreat is happening at the beginning of the year, I can’t help but to use it to reflect on 2017 and to set some things into motion for 2018.  

There are a lot of complaints circling the internet about 2017 and I guess for good reason. I mean, Trump is still horrifying, we lost Tom Petty, and the climate continues to remind us that we have finite resources available to us. But, personally, I have very few complaints about the last year.  Call it lucky, but so far every year has been better than the last for me.

Lucky. We toss that word around to much. And without it’s full meaning. Life changing, too. And my 2017 was both.  When I was standing, teaching, in front of my first college class; when I was climbing out of a helicopter to chase Lynsey down the powder fields of Alaska and when I was sitting in Bernie Sanders office ready to advocate for my profession.. when I was sleeping under the stars and moon with my best friends; when I was prancing around music festivals and tearing down Sugarbush and Killington on my mountain bike.. when I was climbing up the Northeast’s most famous rock climbing pitches and when I was at a past life regression with my now incredible therapist. When I was celebrating as 2 of my friends got engaged and another 2 got married; when I was watching my coworkers and friends raise they’re new-borns into toddlerhood; and when I was watching as my clients were taking control of their health in the most positive and mind altering manner.. even when I was saying goodbye to one of my best friends as she made a career move to a city 10 hours away from me. I could still only stand back and ask myself- how. flipping. lucky. am I to be exactly there. In that moment. With those people. 

That. That, along with less social media and more fiction is what I want out of my 2018. I want to build and cherish more of the moments where my only option, the only thing I can possibly do- is ask myself how the hell I got there and how lucky I am to be.

In the final post about my trip to Alaska I wrote that I wasn’t sure how the trip had changed me, but I knew that it had. I’m still not entirely sure, but here’s 1 thing that I do know about how I’ve changed. I’ve connected with those close to me in remarkably new ways. The connections that I have with my friends, family, coworkers, and clients have been strengthened through mutual openness, honesty, and trust. I’ve seen absolute blind leaps of faith taken- on both sides.  My friends and I have chosen to share our stories and to expose our deeply rooted vulnerabilities, and insecurities to each other with only a shred of hope that it will help with mutual understanding. But, from those leaps, from that vulnerability, and from mutual empathy, we’ve seen exactly how close two people can feel.  I genuinely feel closer now to the people around me then I ever have and I didn’t realize how important that was to me until the other day. Through a simple conversation, I was reminded that life isn’t always this good. Life can, and probably will, get very cruel. Philosopher David Benetar describes the asymmetry of joy and suffering in an episode of the Waking Up podcast with Sam Harris.  Jobs will be lost, break ups will happen, loved ones will be ripped away from us, and the stability that we build will crumble, all in a split second.  And when that happens, who do I want in my corner?  The people that understand me. 

That. That is what has been so life changing about my 2017. And that’s what I want more of from my 2018.

So as my plane lands and I experience a soul freeing week, unplugged, and in paradise, I can only dream of what the rest of this year has in store for me.