The person who I am, has changed. A lot. My last post was about some of that change, this one will probably will be the same. What can I say, I'm not a big fan of it, so it's on my mind a lot these days. I'm sitting on the floor of my room. I won't have a bed for the next 2 months. I won't be spending more than a week in one place for the same amount of time. That's a lot of change. I changed my mind, this isn't going to be about that.
One thing that has changed about me, is how much I've gotten to know myself. It is naive of me to say that I know myself well, but I think that I have a solid grasp at the moment. To ask me how is an impossible question. Ask me how long it will last and I will have the same answer. I have no idea.
If you're interested: one of the ways that I try to get to know myself is through learning about new things. Each new thing that I try is a guess and check effort to see if what I'm doing feels right. If it does, that's great, I'll keep doing that. If not, maybe I'll give it a few more go's, but I'm not going feel guilty about putting it aside.
One cool thing about always learning about yourself, is that if you come across something about yourself that could use some improvement, you get to then put some gentle attention into it. And with that gentle attention, you then get an attempt at making that something, just a little bit better. I did a webinar a couple months ago about getting 'unstuck' in your life. Not that I assumed that I was stuck anywhere, I was just curious about what could be said on the topic- after all, just because I'm not stuck now, that doesn't mean I won't ever be. And, I found out, that when it comes to any situation, someone might find themselves stuck in one of two ways of being. You can be stuck in the stimulus of something, circulating around how this particular situation makes you feel, and why it makes you feel that way, and what it should feel like instead. Or you can be stuck in the response, always concerning yourself with what to do next. And the only way out is to find the middle ground of the two.
I've been stuck in the stimulus of leaving for school. How am I supposed to be feeling about this? Have I been feeling that way for too long? Is it time to start feeling a different way about it? So, in an effort to place some gentle attention on the response, I'm going to draft a letter to the people who I may come across on this next chapter.
Dear friend,
I'm a taurus (if you're into that kind of thing), and I know myself well. How well, you ask? Well enough that I can tell you upfront that everything that I, and everyone else, says has deeper meaning to it. An added layer, propping up our statement, developed from the pivotal moments that stack up behind it. Where the meanings of my words come from is a story for another day, but here are some examples of what I really mean when I utter these phrases:
How are you? - Different from 'how was your day?', when I ask how you are, I'm more interested in how things are going for you right now. And how you feel about it. Tell me, I'm listening.
I've got a lot going on. - Friendship is an equality thing for me, and I don't open up easily. If I'm reaching out, it's because I need help with something, and I think that you are just the person for that job.
I miss you. - Thank you, new friend, by the way, for sticking with me long enough for me to notice your absence. So, when I tell you that 'I miss you' though, what I really mean is- I miss your presence. And i miss the the way that I feel in that presence.
I miss my friends from home. - Jealously is a difficult emotion. And I'm not trying to evoke that in you, I just truly miss home. It was amazing there and I loved it with all of my heart. And as you have already seen, new friend, I have a deeper meaning for 'missing' something. So it's been difficult. But, maybe one day, if you haven't already been lucky enough to visit, I'll be able to show you around the place I called home for so long.
I love you. - When you make it here, you are a part of me. I wouldn't be my same self without you.
So thank you, new friend, for reading along; and if you still don't think I'm too weird to hang out with, then let's keep doing it until you do. Hobbies, likes, and dislikes listed separately. For real though, I'm glad our paths crossed and I'm looking forward to you helping me to call this new place home so if you want to grab a drink or a kombucha sometime, or help me walk my dog, just let me know. xoxo.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
I've always seen a birthday as an anniversary...
I've always seen a birthday as an anniversary. Not necessarily of anyone joining this world, or of our bodies growing older. I try to not put to much merit into the physical flexibility of my body, 'can I still touch my toes now that I'm 28?' or into the typical checklist of things to have done by a certain age. House, kids, career.. they'll all come when they will. I, instead, try to use a birthday as a reference point. How far have I come since my last one? Anybody that knows me knows I will usually force people into reflection, and typical birthday questions from me include 'what have you learned in the past year?' and 'what are you hoping to accomplish this year?'. And anybody that realllllly knows me, knows that I like asking questions way better than I like answering them, so bare with me while I try...
I've gone through a growth spurt this year. Not a physical one, or an intellectual one, not even a spiritual one, as much as it may seem that way. What I've gone through is a recognition growth spurt. This year I've arguably recognized more about myself than any year previous. I've started recognizing what does and doesn't align with my value system, I've been slapped in the face with the recognition of the unadulterated luck that seems to come my way, and I've even discovered some ineffective personality traits that could use some gentle attention. What I may have recognized the most about, not only myself, but every single person is that we have choice. In the revolving door of the conversations with ourselves that fill our heads, we have the opportunity to choose what it is that we are filling our own heads with. I'm not in charge of what it is that you put into your door; if 'I'm not good enough' or 'everything is boring' are your choices then so be it. If instead, you choose to constantly remind yourself that 'no one knows what they are doing' and 'everything will happen as it will', then that is your choice too. French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre's favorite subject was choice. David Foster Wallace explains in his commencement speech, while telling a story about 2 men arguing in a bar about religion that 'it's easy to run this story through a kind of standard liberal arts analysis: [...we] never end up talking about just where these individual templates and beliefs come from. Meaning, where they come from INSIDE the two guys. As if a person's most basic orientation toward the world, and the meaning of his experience were somehow just hard-wired, like height or shoe size; or automatically absorbed from the culture, like language. As if, how we construct meaning were not actually a matter of personal, intentional choice.'
'...how we construct meaning were not actually a matter of personal, intentional choice,' -I love that. Everything is a choice for us. What clothes we put on in the morning, how we present ourselves to the world. What mood we are in, how we react to the situations we face during the day. Who we surround ourselves with. Even how we talk and think about the pivotal moments in our lives, and how we let them shape us. It's easy for a lot of us to see 2 choices in front of us. Am I going to be happy or sad today? Am I going to have eggs or yogurt for breakfast? But what we sometimes forget is that there is always a secret 3rd door. Or 4th, or 5th, or we don't have to go through any doors at all... We can choose to be accepting, or pensive, instead of happy or sad. We can choose to have oatmeal instead of eggs or yogurt. Or we can even choose to go to the airport, get on a plane to Paris and have a french croissant for breakfast if we'd really like to. We can choose to react to situations differently than we ever have before, we can choose who we turn to for advice, we can even choose how we take that advice. But that's difficult for us to imagine, because all of this choice makes us dizzy. And that dizziness makes us want to stand still, or as Sartre would put it we start to use 'bad faith'. We give it up to the idea that we don't get to choose or even want to. I know that astrology is not always everyone's favorite topic, and it might be complete bullshit, but like any other personality tests, I do think we can allow it to give us language. We can decide that a website will never be able to tell us about our personality, or we can read the language and decide if that aligns with the truth that we feel about ourselves. My sign is notorious for knowing ourselves very well, as well as being highly resistant to change (which we all know I'll be faced with a lot of in the coming year, by the way). Either way my horoscope for this month had strong undertones of a shift in perspective. Now, I can choose to resist that shift, cross my arms, and refuse to allow that in. And for me, the draw to that is strong. I like who I've become. That was a long road for me. And I like the people around me. And if I allow my perspective to shift how do I know that those who support me will continue to? If I continue to change who I am, will I start to fulfill a different role in their lives? And if that happens, will they continue to fill the same in mine? But then I have to remind myself of the very thing that I'm talking about, choice. We can choose to be afraid of who we may turn into and how it may change the things around us, or we can choose to lean into it and remind ourselves that if we keep a close pulse on what we fill our revolving doors with, we have the opportunity to continue to change for the better.
As I enter the 28th year of my life, my goals are to aim to continue to hold a magnifying glass up to my revolving door, trust the people in my life to tell me things that I would not have been able to tell myself, and continue to recognize the choices that I have in front of me, even if they are behind the secret 3rd door.
As I enter the 28th year of my life, my goals are to aim to continue to hold a magnifying glass up to my revolving door, trust the people in my life to tell me things that I would not have been able to tell myself, and continue to recognize the choices that I have in front of me, even if they are behind the secret 3rd door.
Friday, March 9, 2018
I need to write about it...
I need to write about it even though words are clunky and ill descriptive. I still need to write to process. One of my friends told me that she and I write about the same things- 'we both write about paradigm shifts' she said. And at that moment I realized... apparently I write about paradigm shifts.
When I started working at my current job, I honestly thought I would be there for less then a year. I had just gotten back from Africa with a bright and shiny, brand new Registered Dietitian license and I had legitimately no clue what I wanted to do or where I wanted to do it. Before I left for Africa I had run into an old supervisor of mine downtown and he yelled something about the club looking for a dietitian over the ear splitting music that Burlington bars insist on playing at full blast. Great, I thought. I'll work this job long enough to put Registered Dietitian on my resume and see where that can take me. 2 life altering years later, I found myself sitting in the president's office petrified, and staring at my feet while I try to find the courage to tell him that I'm leaving.
I didn't realize how much courage it takes to side swipe someone with news like this. It felt like I was splitting my soul apart. As a society, we wrap up so much of who we are into what we do, that when we ultimately decide to change courses, it feels like the part of ourselves that we've devoted to our work has been severed. Or is that just me? I kept thinking all day about how this must have been how Voldemort felt when he created his horcruxes. Although a little less murder for me, I'm just going to graduate school. I've been questioning everything lately- like more than usual, and I just realized while writing that last sentence that it was because I've assigned so much of myself to my work. See, this is why I write. I've intertwined so much of who I am and how I feel accomplishment into showing up at work everyday that when I imagine not doing that, I start to wonder who I am.
When I was 21, my entire family got together in the Berkshires for a family reunion. Among a weekend of shenanigans, including one of my cousins throwing up in the sink, my grandfather stood up at the end of the very long table, 20 Bunn faces looking back at him, and he said 'To my grandchildren- whatever you do with your life, always help people.' So I did. I've devoted the entirety of my work related bandwidth toward helping people improve their health behaviors. Over my two years I've done 400 assessments. 400. 400 people, I've sat in front of in an attempt to help them improve their health. With every one of these 400 people, I had a choice. I could remain clinical and on the surface, I could write meal plans and base them off of numbers and nutrients... or I could move in. I could hear out their stories, ask them difficult questions, and encourage them to find the intrinsic motivation for behavior change. I chose the later and because of that choice, I’ve created an environment that feels impossible to leave. Our team at work is perfect. We challenge each other to grow personally and professionally. And only because of my credentials and my ability to bill insurance, I’ve been propped up to have an enormous support system under me. Touching on reliance seems greedy right now, but the reality is that without the insurance piece, our program isn’t nearly as successful. So while my coworkers may talk like they are reliant on me, it's actually my license that they're reliant on.
Sounds like the perfect job, right? My director is brilliant and hard working. When she dreams big it scares me a little, because I know she will actually accomplish it. And! She brings all of us with her. My coworkers are highly empathetic and deeply caring. We wrap ourselves up with each other and actively play a role in the development of our program and of each other. My clients are inspiring and challenge me at times. But, when they open up and trust the process, the results are life changing. So why would I leave? Why would I give it all up? Why would I go back to school to study a field that I already have a job in? Because. Healthy behaviors are just that- behavior. Which can be influenced, given the right circumstances... and we don't live in a world that has the right circumstances. And I want to change that. This might be my millennial showing, but I really think that I can make a difference on a vast scale.
I've discovered a whole new side of myself during this process.
I've never considered myself a risk taker. Call me a taurus, but I just loveeee security. Stability, security, and logic have been heavy influencers through most of my life, but now here I am, leaving a job that I could have forever to move across the country and study a field that could be wiped away and underfunded by the national government in the blink of an eye. Again, why?
My relationship with risk changed when I jumped out of an Alaskan helicopter to ski down an enormous powder field with an avalanche beacon and a harness on 'just in case you fall into a crevasse'. It was at that point that I realized what was on the other side of risk. Again, words are clunky, but I recognized that when I move though risk and fear, the other side is overhead blower powder; it's intoxicating. It was then that my relationship with risk shifted from avoidant to calculated. Sure skiing in avalanche territory was risky, but I had a beacon, a harness, and most importantly a guide. Calculated risk is when we can appropriately consider our cons and choose to face them instead of dodge them. Having someone to guide and mentor us through the process, I've found is imperative. Giving yourself to them while they guide and mentor you is... essential.
So, as I prepare to leave my work, family, and friends, pack up my car, and take off on this next chapter- I try to keep one word on my mind. Opportunity. The opportunity that I have in front of me to further effect change in my career field and the opportunity that I'm leaving behind for my current job to find someone better than me. West coast, here I come.
When I started working at my current job, I honestly thought I would be there for less then a year. I had just gotten back from Africa with a bright and shiny, brand new Registered Dietitian license and I had legitimately no clue what I wanted to do or where I wanted to do it. Before I left for Africa I had run into an old supervisor of mine downtown and he yelled something about the club looking for a dietitian over the ear splitting music that Burlington bars insist on playing at full blast. Great, I thought. I'll work this job long enough to put Registered Dietitian on my resume and see where that can take me. 2 life altering years later, I found myself sitting in the president's office petrified, and staring at my feet while I try to find the courage to tell him that I'm leaving.
I didn't realize how much courage it takes to side swipe someone with news like this. It felt like I was splitting my soul apart. As a society, we wrap up so much of who we are into what we do, that when we ultimately decide to change courses, it feels like the part of ourselves that we've devoted to our work has been severed. Or is that just me? I kept thinking all day about how this must have been how Voldemort felt when he created his horcruxes. Although a little less murder for me, I'm just going to graduate school. I've been questioning everything lately- like more than usual, and I just realized while writing that last sentence that it was because I've assigned so much of myself to my work. See, this is why I write. I've intertwined so much of who I am and how I feel accomplishment into showing up at work everyday that when I imagine not doing that, I start to wonder who I am.
When I was 21, my entire family got together in the Berkshires for a family reunion. Among a weekend of shenanigans, including one of my cousins throwing up in the sink, my grandfather stood up at the end of the very long table, 20 Bunn faces looking back at him, and he said 'To my grandchildren- whatever you do with your life, always help people.' So I did. I've devoted the entirety of my work related bandwidth toward helping people improve their health behaviors. Over my two years I've done 400 assessments. 400. 400 people, I've sat in front of in an attempt to help them improve their health. With every one of these 400 people, I had a choice. I could remain clinical and on the surface, I could write meal plans and base them off of numbers and nutrients... or I could move in. I could hear out their stories, ask them difficult questions, and encourage them to find the intrinsic motivation for behavior change. I chose the later and because of that choice, I’ve created an environment that feels impossible to leave. Our team at work is perfect. We challenge each other to grow personally and professionally. And only because of my credentials and my ability to bill insurance, I’ve been propped up to have an enormous support system under me. Touching on reliance seems greedy right now, but the reality is that without the insurance piece, our program isn’t nearly as successful. So while my coworkers may talk like they are reliant on me, it's actually my license that they're reliant on.
Sounds like the perfect job, right? My director is brilliant and hard working. When she dreams big it scares me a little, because I know she will actually accomplish it. And! She brings all of us with her. My coworkers are highly empathetic and deeply caring. We wrap ourselves up with each other and actively play a role in the development of our program and of each other. My clients are inspiring and challenge me at times. But, when they open up and trust the process, the results are life changing. So why would I leave? Why would I give it all up? Why would I go back to school to study a field that I already have a job in? Because. Healthy behaviors are just that- behavior. Which can be influenced, given the right circumstances... and we don't live in a world that has the right circumstances. And I want to change that. This might be my millennial showing, but I really think that I can make a difference on a vast scale.
I've discovered a whole new side of myself during this process.
I've never considered myself a risk taker. Call me a taurus, but I just loveeee security. Stability, security, and logic have been heavy influencers through most of my life, but now here I am, leaving a job that I could have forever to move across the country and study a field that could be wiped away and underfunded by the national government in the blink of an eye. Again, why?
My relationship with risk changed when I jumped out of an Alaskan helicopter to ski down an enormous powder field with an avalanche beacon and a harness on 'just in case you fall into a crevasse'. It was at that point that I realized what was on the other side of risk. Again, words are clunky, but I recognized that when I move though risk and fear, the other side is overhead blower powder; it's intoxicating. It was then that my relationship with risk shifted from avoidant to calculated. Sure skiing in avalanche territory was risky, but I had a beacon, a harness, and most importantly a guide. Calculated risk is when we can appropriately consider our cons and choose to face them instead of dodge them. Having someone to guide and mentor us through the process, I've found is imperative. Giving yourself to them while they guide and mentor you is... essential.
So, as I prepare to leave my work, family, and friends, pack up my car, and take off on this next chapter- I try to keep one word on my mind. Opportunity. The opportunity that I have in front of me to further effect change in my career field and the opportunity that I'm leaving behind for my current job to find someone better than me. West coast, here I come.
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Day 8: Quotes from my notes.
Traveling home wasn't nearly as terrible as on the way there. Other than switching my flight to an earlier one and a second security requirement forcing me to throw away my morning coffee, it was pretty seamless.. It might have been the lack of coffee, or maybe the tequila the night before, but even with the 6 hours I got to spend in Newark airport, I just didn't feel like putting the effort into reflecting on my time in Panama. Now, with the laundry in the washer, my fridge restocked, and Kwasi snuggling on my lap I can reminisce on the beautiful 8 days that I spent in paradise.
Instead of going through the details of our day by day experience, I'm going to take the structure from one of the posts on a friend's blog (Hey Casey!) and do a little 'quotes from my notes' post.
"What's the journal for?" -Carol
"...it's for you!" -Sarah
-On all of our pre-trip check lists the retreat kept telling us not to forget our notebooks and a pen. For me, this was a given. I've had this blog since 2013 in an attempt to write down my thoughts and remember this period of my life, but I also started keeping a journal after Alaska. It's helped me so incredibly that I sometimes forget that others don't journal all the time. I use it to doodle in, to write down my intentions for each day, and to try and process. Things happen so rapidly these days, I feel like I just need to write some of them down in an attempt to understand them. Like I said, bringing a notebook to Panama was a no brainer for me, I actually spent almost an hour picking out the perfect one for 2018 :)
'United Conformation: MKZW25' -me
-This one is only in there because I had to put that stupid confirmation code into the united app, and punch into the phone so many times during the first 12 hours of traveling. More on that here if you didn't read my first post.
'Release from 2017: the idea that my story isn't worth telling.
Intention for 2018: Openness ▲ Curiosity' -me
-The first journal exercise that we did as a group was to write down something that we wanted to release from 2017, and an intention for 2018. These were mine. Because I had already done plenty of reflecting on the New Year, my intentions for 2018 were wayyy easier then what I had to release. It took me a while to come up with it, and when I finally realized what had made my 2017 so life changing, was the fact that I started sharing my story with others, the next logical step was for me to leave that behind.
'In human affairs of danger and delicacy successful conclusion is sharply limited by hurry. So often men trip by being in a rush.' -John Steinbeck, East of Eden
-In other words; slow down, don't be in so much of a rush all the time. I was reading East of Eden during the trip and jotted this one down one day while sun worshipping by the pool with Sarah. Any one that has been abroad, especially to Africa, has experienced 'Africa time'. No one is on time to anything there, no one is in a hurry to get anywhere or do anything. I've heard the same of the Caribbean islands. They've realized that it's not going to make you any happier to worry about punctuality, and in our case.. the beach wasn't going anywhere.
'Ultimately, I try hard, just to not be a dick. And I think however anyone gets there is fine with me' -Laura
-I was talking with a midwestern real estate agent in her 50s/ practicing Buddhist about organized religion and this came out of her. In context, she was unhappy with the way most organized religions ostracize each other... I couldn't agree more.
'Life is so hard for you' -Sarah
-I was struggling- hard- with my beach chair in this moment. There were a few times during our trip that we needed to check each other on our circumstantial suffering. This one was a good reminder.
'I learned that somethings are out of my control. You think, you know that's true, then you learn how wrong you were about that' -Jenny
-It was Jenny's birthday and I asked her what she learned over the past year. This is what she said. In context, she's an amazing mother of 3, and she's had a difficult time over the past year finding the balance between things that she can and cannot control in a world raising 3 toddlers. Jenny was wiser than she knew, and each one of the girls on the retreat that hoped to someday have children got some take aways from the way she was open and honest about motherhood.
'Hold this intention in the present tense. And then build a lifestyle that allows for this.' -Alex
- Alex was the other yoga instructor and she said this during our yoga nidra class. She so elegantly described a way of living that forces you to be better all the time.
'Connection doesn't always have to look the way that I think it does' -me
-I wrote this one down after our final yoga class. This was a big take away for the whole trip for me. This, and the fact that's it's not all about me. I was struggling in the beginning because I felt like I was making connections with some of the people on the retreat, and not with others. What I realized, though was that while I wasn't the one connecting with them, that didn't mean they weren't connecting with those on the trip, that they were meant to. It's not all about me, just because I'm not the one helping them through an emotional release, or helping them understanding something about themselves, or helping them reconnect with themselves- that doesn't mean it's not happening. And ultimately that's all that matters. I also realized that connection doesn't have to be verbal. My 11th grade spanish skills only got me so far, but it didn't matter. I tried hard to erase the language barrier with eye contact, touch, and inflection. And it worked! Those that were helping me, understood how grateful I was to them. Those that I helped, seamlessly expressed their appreciation for me. And this happened more often then not. Wallets were forgotten on tables, phones were dropped, directions were needed.. and every time someone was leaping to the rescue to help. And I think that's beautiful. Again, I'm not completely sure how this trip will change me until it does. But, what's exciting is how excited I am about that. It feels like I have a change on my horizon and for the first time in a while, I'm excited about it, instead of terrified.
Instead of going through the details of our day by day experience, I'm going to take the structure from one of the posts on a friend's blog (Hey Casey!) and do a little 'quotes from my notes' post.
"What's the journal for?" -Carol
"...it's for you!" -Sarah
-On all of our pre-trip check lists the retreat kept telling us not to forget our notebooks and a pen. For me, this was a given. I've had this blog since 2013 in an attempt to write down my thoughts and remember this period of my life, but I also started keeping a journal after Alaska. It's helped me so incredibly that I sometimes forget that others don't journal all the time. I use it to doodle in, to write down my intentions for each day, and to try and process. Things happen so rapidly these days, I feel like I just need to write some of them down in an attempt to understand them. Like I said, bringing a notebook to Panama was a no brainer for me, I actually spent almost an hour picking out the perfect one for 2018 :)
'United Conformation: MKZW25' -me
-This one is only in there because I had to put that stupid confirmation code into the united app, and punch into the phone so many times during the first 12 hours of traveling. More on that here if you didn't read my first post.
'Release from 2017: the idea that my story isn't worth telling.
Intention for 2018: Openness ▲ Curiosity' -me
-The first journal exercise that we did as a group was to write down something that we wanted to release from 2017, and an intention for 2018. These were mine. Because I had already done plenty of reflecting on the New Year, my intentions for 2018 were wayyy easier then what I had to release. It took me a while to come up with it, and when I finally realized what had made my 2017 so life changing, was the fact that I started sharing my story with others, the next logical step was for me to leave that behind.
'In human affairs of danger and delicacy successful conclusion is sharply limited by hurry. So often men trip by being in a rush.' -John Steinbeck, East of Eden
-In other words; slow down, don't be in so much of a rush all the time. I was reading East of Eden during the trip and jotted this one down one day while sun worshipping by the pool with Sarah. Any one that has been abroad, especially to Africa, has experienced 'Africa time'. No one is on time to anything there, no one is in a hurry to get anywhere or do anything. I've heard the same of the Caribbean islands. They've realized that it's not going to make you any happier to worry about punctuality, and in our case.. the beach wasn't going anywhere.
'Ultimately, I try hard, just to not be a dick. And I think however anyone gets there is fine with me' -Laura
-I was talking with a midwestern real estate agent in her 50s/ practicing Buddhist about organized religion and this came out of her. In context, she was unhappy with the way most organized religions ostracize each other... I couldn't agree more.
'Life is so hard for you' -Sarah
-I was struggling- hard- with my beach chair in this moment. There were a few times during our trip that we needed to check each other on our circumstantial suffering. This one was a good reminder.
'I learned that somethings are out of my control. You think, you know that's true, then you learn how wrong you were about that' -Jenny
-It was Jenny's birthday and I asked her what she learned over the past year. This is what she said. In context, she's an amazing mother of 3, and she's had a difficult time over the past year finding the balance between things that she can and cannot control in a world raising 3 toddlers. Jenny was wiser than she knew, and each one of the girls on the retreat that hoped to someday have children got some take aways from the way she was open and honest about motherhood.
'Hold this intention in the present tense. And then build a lifestyle that allows for this.' -Alex
- Alex was the other yoga instructor and she said this during our yoga nidra class. She so elegantly described a way of living that forces you to be better all the time.
'Connection doesn't always have to look the way that I think it does' -me
-I wrote this one down after our final yoga class. This was a big take away for the whole trip for me. This, and the fact that's it's not all about me. I was struggling in the beginning because I felt like I was making connections with some of the people on the retreat, and not with others. What I realized, though was that while I wasn't the one connecting with them, that didn't mean they weren't connecting with those on the trip, that they were meant to. It's not all about me, just because I'm not the one helping them through an emotional release, or helping them understanding something about themselves, or helping them reconnect with themselves- that doesn't mean it's not happening. And ultimately that's all that matters. I also realized that connection doesn't have to be verbal. My 11th grade spanish skills only got me so far, but it didn't matter. I tried hard to erase the language barrier with eye contact, touch, and inflection. And it worked! Those that were helping me, understood how grateful I was to them. Those that I helped, seamlessly expressed their appreciation for me. And this happened more often then not. Wallets were forgotten on tables, phones were dropped, directions were needed.. and every time someone was leaping to the rescue to help. And I think that's beautiful. Again, I'm not completely sure how this trip will change me until it does. But, what's exciting is how excited I am about that. It feels like I have a change on my horizon and for the first time in a while, I'm excited about it, instead of terrified.
Friday, January 5, 2018
Day 0: I have the worst luck with traveling.
I have the worst luck with traveling. And it seems like it’s especially terrible if I’m going anywhere near the New York City area.
Before Christmas, I was supposed to go see Hannah, one of my long distance best friends, for a couple of hours while she was visiting the east coast. And try as the universe might, it wasn’t going to keep me from hugging her. There was a sleepless night, a towed car, freezing rain, and a delayed train- but even through all of that, I still got to spend a night drinking whiskey and reading tarot cards with my oldest friend.
That was just a silly anecdote to show what I mean when I say that traveling near The City isn’t my friend. This time was a little different. The ‘ice bomb cyclone’, as it was so appropriately named, grounded the first leg of the next travel adventure that I signed myself up for. After a tearful phone call to Maree (another long distance best friend with whom I was supposed to be staying during the first night of my trip), an extra night at home, and convincing a very confused rental car agent to not charge me twice for the same vehicle- I broke land speed records to try to reach Newark on time for my international flight. Upon arrival, after getting moderately lost returning my rental car, I walked up to the check in kiosk, scanned my passport, and my heart fell through the floor. ‘Check in time to close to departure time. See agent for assistance.’ I admit, I was cutting it close showing up at noon for a 2:50pm international departure but, like I said ‘ice bomb cyclone’ weather and, honestly, I didn’t think it was THAT bad. I dragged my heavy heart over to the ticket counter and texted third best friend, Sarah that I unfortunately wouldn’t be meeting her in paradise until at least a day later.. *inhale*
Sarah and I have been playing the manifest game since I got home from Alaska last April so, bless her heart, as soon as she heard I was having travel problems she started working her manifest magic on me. And guess what... it worked! Sarah’s proven her manifest magic to me multiple times, once in a very helpful and hazy way at a music festival. But, seriously- good karma follows this girl around and those of us that she chooses to share it with, only have gratitude to repay her with. A very sympathetic, and kind eyed ticket agent for United must’ve felt so bad for me- I was a poor shell of a person at this moment. So she expedited my baggage, put me through quick security and got me to my gate. With over an hour to spare. Props United. *exhale*
I always get the worst travel anxiety. I’ve had full blown panic attacks in the Chicago airport more times than I’m comfortable with. It’s almost like an imposter syndrome thing. When I’m traveling, I’m absolutely convinced that I’m like Jim Carey on the Truman Show and that everyone in my world is an actor meant to trick me into thinking that I’m about to go on an incredible adventure only to have me show up and it all be a joke. I check and double check my gate and seat assignments. Then I check and double check my ability to read numbers and letters- just to make sure I’ll be in the right place. So when things like my car getting towed and my flight getting canceled happen, it shackles me to the idea that somethings are out of my hands. What a way to learn that lesson.
The most recent inquiry into my soul has brought me to the runway of the Newark, New Jersey airport on a plane to Panama City to meet up with Sarah and a group of 10ish others, for an amazing, off grid, week in paradise doing all of the yoga, stand up paddle boarding, surfing, and adventuring that we can handle. Because this retreat is happening at the beginning of the year, I can’t help but to use it to reflect on 2017 and to set some things into motion for 2018.
There are a lot of complaints circling the internet about 2017 and I guess for good reason. I mean, Trump is still horrifying, we lost Tom Petty, and the climate continues to remind us that we have finite resources available to us. But, personally, I have very few complaints about the last year. Call it lucky, but so far every year has been better than the last for me.
Lucky. We toss that word around to much. And without it’s full meaning. Life changing, too. And my 2017 was both. When I was standing, teaching, in front of my first college class; when I was climbing out of a helicopter to chase Lynsey down the powder fields of Alaska and when I was sitting in Bernie Sanders office ready to advocate for my profession.. when I was sleeping under the stars and moon with my best friends; when I was prancing around music festivals and tearing down Sugarbush and Killington on my mountain bike.. when I was climbing up the Northeast’s most famous rock climbing pitches and when I was at a past life regression with my now incredible therapist. When I was celebrating as 2 of my friends got engaged and another 2 got married; when I was watching my coworkers and friends raise they’re new-borns into toddlerhood; and when I was watching as my clients were taking control of their health in the most positive and mind altering manner.. even when I was saying goodbye to one of my best friends as she made a career move to a city 10 hours away from me. I could still only stand back and ask myself- how. flipping. lucky. am I to be exactly there. In that moment. With those people.
That. That, along with less social media and more fiction is what I want out of my 2018. I want to build and cherish more of the moments where my only option, the only thing I can possibly do- is ask myself how the hell I got there and how lucky I am to be.
In the final post about my trip to Alaska I wrote that I wasn’t sure how the trip had changed me, but I knew that it had. I’m still not entirely sure, but here’s 1 thing that I do know about how I’ve changed. I’ve connected with those close to me in remarkably new ways. The connections that I have with my friends, family, coworkers, and clients have been strengthened through mutual openness, honesty, and trust. I’ve seen absolute blind leaps of faith taken- on both sides. My friends and I have chosen to share our stories and to expose our deeply rooted vulnerabilities, and insecurities to each other with only a shred of hope that it will help with mutual understanding. But, from those leaps, from that vulnerability, and from mutual empathy, we’ve seen exactly how close two people can feel. I genuinely feel closer now to the people around me then I ever have and I didn’t realize how important that was to me until the other day. Through a simple conversation, I was reminded that life isn’t always this good. Life can, and probably will, get very cruel. Philosopher David Benetar describes the asymmetry of joy and suffering in an episode of the Waking Up podcast with Sam Harris. Jobs will be lost, break ups will happen, loved ones will be ripped away from us, and the stability that we build will crumble, all in a split second. And when that happens, who do I want in my corner? The people that understand me.
That. That is what has been so life changing about my 2017. And that’s what I want more of from my 2018.
So as my plane lands and I experience a soul freeing week, unplugged, and in paradise, I can only dream of what the rest of this year has in store for me.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
You know what's cool...
You know what's cool? Being the best version of yourself for people.
I feel like I've spent a lot of time recently forming my tribe. My support system. The people that I am choosing to influence me and the people that I can go to with my shit. Not my physical shit, but my metaphorical shit. The shit that keeps me up at night wondering if I'm capable of pulling off this whole life thing.
I feel like that's a heavy thing for me to ask a lot of my friends to help me carry, but.. I can't carry it alone, so I have to ask. And, as a way to repay them for my debt, I help them carry some of theirs. Fair is fair, right? If I expect this from the people in my life, then it's only fair that when I offer up my carrier services that I do so in the best possible way that I can.
In my latest string of human being improvement inquiries I've realized that there are very few things that I can do for the people in my life; my friends, family, clients, and coworkers, that is less important than listening to them. Not just listening, but listening.
We've all, I'm sure, heard about the difference between hearing and listening. That's not what I'm here to write about. We've all heard it, we're all sick of it. What I'm here to do, is to give out real tools for improving your relationship with listening.
How do I know that I'm the kind of person that would benefit from listening training?
Let's talk about 3 places to start.
We've all, I'm sure, heard about the difference between hearing and listening. That's not what I'm here to write about. We've all heard it, we're all sick of it. What I'm here to do, is to give out real tools for improving your relationship with listening.
How do I know that I'm the kind of person that would benefit from listening training?
- Are you a human being?
Let's talk about 3 places to start.
- 'It's an occupational hazard of being packaged in a body, that the universe is outside and you are obviously then center of it' -Jon Kabat Zinn wrote that. I think what he is telling us here is that it is soooo incredibly easy for us to show up to a conversation with only ourselves in mind. How deflating does is feel when you are sharing something with someone and all they can do is relate is back to themselves? Comment- 'hey, I recently reconnected and have starting hanging out again with this mutual person that we knew in the past' Answer- 'cool, you know who I just saw, this random person that means nothing to either of us or, quiet frankly, the original person that you mentioned'. Deflating. The wind is immediately and abruptly stripped from your sails and you've missed the opportunity to share a meaningful conversation about reconnecting with past acquaintances. That's not listening. And when that happens with the small stuff, why would anyone go there with the big stuff? And the big stuff is how we are understood. So.. do what you can to check your ego at the door and show up to a conversation with a mind wide open.
- Show up. Not just physically. Actually show. up. We don't always like going down into the basement, we all have insecurities and it can be scary to go down there. It commonly requires an emotional commitment that we aren't always willing to make. But, if you go down there with someone and they hold the flashlight for you, you may find out that your basement looks a lot like theirs, and you know what that means- they may be able to help you find your way out. Even if their basement looks nothing like yours, the cobwebs aren't in the same places, the cracks in the foundation aren't as shallow or as deep, but if they can show up to the conversation and really listen it really doesn't matter. So show up, sit across from someone, put your phone down, look them in the eyes, and don't just wait for the next time you can interrupt.
- Form questions, not assumptions. Not much makes me jump to defense as making assumptions about where I'm coming from. Everyone interacts with life through the lens of their own experiences so how easy is it to assume that everyone else is looking through your lens, and that they would experience something the same way that you did. Instead, ask a question about how they identify with what they are talking about. I promise you'll understand way more about someone by asking what it was like to grow up with 4 siblings than to assume that their life was crazy and that their mom was always chauffeuring around them and their siblings. To be fair, it does take genuine interest in a person or topic to be able to pose thoughtful and thought provoking questions, but curiosity doesn't always kill the cat, and truthfully questions don't always have to be thought provoking. You are allowed to ask, 'hey how was that presentation that you were nervous about giving?' without it being a profound, ground breaking moment between 2 people. And when you are looking for questions to ask, use the trick that journalists use- start questions with who, what, where, when, why, and how. Close ended questions, with yes or no answers aren't going to get you very far.
Do I think that listening is a skill? Yes. Do I also think it will strengthen the connections that you have and improve every aspect of your life? Also yes. Do I think that you have to give it to get it? The MOST yes.
So I'm posing a challenge- try one of the things I suggested above, just once, and see how it goes. We're all in this together and remember skills take practice. I'm still working hard on this one too.
So I'm posing a challenge- try one of the things I suggested above, just once, and see how it goes. We're all in this together and remember skills take practice. I'm still working hard on this one too.
Saturday, November 4, 2017
I've done it again...
I've done it again. I went and asked all of my friends the question I should have been asking myself all along. And instead of just sitting down and writing about it, I just spent the past few weeks interviewing as many of the people, who's opinions I value, as I can on the topic. I've been obsessed, recently with the difference between fear and danger. And when I say obsessed.. I mean OBSESSED.
I want to know what to do with each one of them.
I want to know what each one of them feels like in my body.
I want to know what each feels like in other people's bodies.
I want to know what people's relationship is with both of them.
I even want to know what people think the world would be like without them.
Fear has such an interesting place in our society. To us and our monkey brains, it's perceived danger, right? But, what one person perceives against another, can be wildly different. One person thinks that their most fearful act is to jump off of a 50 foot cliff, while another, would do that no problem.. but are terrified to tell someone how they feel about them. And you know what's funny? Most of the time when it's pure, true, clean, fear isn't not actually dangerous. Sure jumping off of a cliff is frightening, and has it's risks, but to someone who has done it countless times, that fear may not go away completely, but the danger certainly reduces.
I've heard fearlessness defined not as the absence of fear, but the total presence of fear with the courage to face it, which is so beautiful to me. I think there is real work in recognition of fear, not as something that should be ran from, but instead as an indicator that we are pointed in the right direction. I asked my friend Hannah what she thought of fear, and her answer was exactly the reason why I love her so much. 'To me- I charge towards fear. I see something that could be difficult, or overwhelming, or challenging, and it has to take a lot for me not to say yes and go into it. And yeah, sometimes it causes me some problems, but I always learn so much from it, and I know this sooo much about myself, that I haven't found a good reason yet, not to say yes to fear...' What a gal, huh? My relationship with fear has been a work in progress. I used to buckle under fear. At least the emotional kind. Throwing myself down a mountain on 2 pieces of wood strapped to my feet- no problem. Barrel down the same mountain on metal frame with 2 wheels- again, no problem. Well, not no problem, but to me the perception of risk for these activities was so low because I had done it so many times. I grew up on those pieces of wood, I had been balancing on that metal frame since I was a toddler. Does that mean when I would come across a dangerous section of the trail in front of me, that I wouldn't take care of myself and go around it? Of course not, but I never payed any attention to the difference. Emotional fear was different. The first time that I didn't listen to my intuition about emotional fear, it turned into danger.. go figure. So later on when that perception of risk crept in, I would turn into one of those cartoon characters that leaves only the dust outline of their figure behind. What a way to live, right?
I've heard that fear halts growth. Fear is something that is meant to be overcome. Why? Because of the feeling on the other side of fear. The overwhelming sense of pride, joy, and release from the bind of fear is so irresistible that we almost can't help ourselves. So, how then, do we know the difference?
No, actually- I'm asking..
If fear is perceived danger, and danger is the possibility of suffering harm or injury, and we're supposed to run from one, and charge towards the other, how do we tell the difference?
Since the place that I seemed to have the most luck determining the difference is on the ski hill, or the bike track, I started there. When I would come across an aspect that looked difficult or that I had never done, I would close my eyes, take a breath, and open them again. If I felt it in my stomach and curiosity snuck in, I knew I was afraid and this was an aspect that I was meant to overcome. If I felt it in my heart and I could only think of what could go wrong, this aspect wasn't for me. And, it started working! Not without some room for error of course, but that's when Hannah comes in and I learn what I can from the situation- aka face plant. So now comes the work. We have already established that there are metaphors in the sports world, and if your not following me, here is the link. Here it is again, just in case. So, good, now that we've recognized that- we work on listening to those same cues in other parts of our lives. Mental, emotional, career.. And I'm using the collective we. Actually, I'm mostly using the 'listen to yourself Bunn'- but this is why I write.
I also think it's worth exploring what the world might look like in the absence of fear. Not in the absence of danger. Only fear. How would that look? 'Well, we would have people throwing themselves off of cliffs'. Right, we already have that. But we would also have a lot more people unafraid of applying for a job they might not have previously, or falling in love with someone who isn't their type, or learning how to fly one of those little 2 passenger airplanes that are so cool. And, what a tremendous world that would be. When you think about all of the little things that could go wrong in my new world where fear is unavailable, don't forget to put this idea into perspective. My friend Robin asked me 'Don't you think there would be a lot more annoyance from people always telling each other how they feel? Like if my patience is wearing thin with you and I tell you that, it hurts your feelings.' Right, but if the world started off this way then we wouldn't know the difference. And, what a relief right? Trying to figure out where you stand with people is such an anxiety producer, imagine a world without that..
I do think, though, that a world without fear would eventually perpetuate the analytical class. Those that sit back and watch the first person jump off the cliff are less likely to do it if the first person experiences danger or death. So then, we end up with a world full of watchers. But is that not where we are now? To some extent? Aren't we all sitting here saying, you shouldn't do that, you shouldn't ride your bike down that mountain, you shouldn't run the country this way, you shouldn't dream about something that could never exist- but then we don't do anything about it, because we are afraid that our action isn't the right one. Or is that just me?
Either way, I think that we (I) can and should learn from the Hannah's of the world. Those who's relationship with fear is to say: ok fear, I see you. But I only see you as an obstacle, not as a road block. And when I've mistakenly stumbled upon danger instead of fear .. that's a learning opportunity.
I want to know what to do with each one of them.
I want to know what each one of them feels like in my body.
I want to know what each feels like in other people's bodies.
I want to know what people's relationship is with both of them.
I even want to know what people think the world would be like without them.
Fear has such an interesting place in our society. To us and our monkey brains, it's perceived danger, right? But, what one person perceives against another, can be wildly different. One person thinks that their most fearful act is to jump off of a 50 foot cliff, while another, would do that no problem.. but are terrified to tell someone how they feel about them. And you know what's funny? Most of the time when it's pure, true, clean, fear isn't not actually dangerous. Sure jumping off of a cliff is frightening, and has it's risks, but to someone who has done it countless times, that fear may not go away completely, but the danger certainly reduces.
I've heard fearlessness defined not as the absence of fear, but the total presence of fear with the courage to face it, which is so beautiful to me. I think there is real work in recognition of fear, not as something that should be ran from, but instead as an indicator that we are pointed in the right direction. I asked my friend Hannah what she thought of fear, and her answer was exactly the reason why I love her so much. 'To me- I charge towards fear. I see something that could be difficult, or overwhelming, or challenging, and it has to take a lot for me not to say yes and go into it. And yeah, sometimes it causes me some problems, but I always learn so much from it, and I know this sooo much about myself, that I haven't found a good reason yet, not to say yes to fear...' What a gal, huh? My relationship with fear has been a work in progress. I used to buckle under fear. At least the emotional kind. Throwing myself down a mountain on 2 pieces of wood strapped to my feet- no problem. Barrel down the same mountain on metal frame with 2 wheels- again, no problem. Well, not no problem, but to me the perception of risk for these activities was so low because I had done it so many times. I grew up on those pieces of wood, I had been balancing on that metal frame since I was a toddler. Does that mean when I would come across a dangerous section of the trail in front of me, that I wouldn't take care of myself and go around it? Of course not, but I never payed any attention to the difference. Emotional fear was different. The first time that I didn't listen to my intuition about emotional fear, it turned into danger.. go figure. So later on when that perception of risk crept in, I would turn into one of those cartoon characters that leaves only the dust outline of their figure behind. What a way to live, right?
I've heard that fear halts growth. Fear is something that is meant to be overcome. Why? Because of the feeling on the other side of fear. The overwhelming sense of pride, joy, and release from the bind of fear is so irresistible that we almost can't help ourselves. So, how then, do we know the difference?
No, actually- I'm asking..
If fear is perceived danger, and danger is the possibility of suffering harm or injury, and we're supposed to run from one, and charge towards the other, how do we tell the difference?
Since the place that I seemed to have the most luck determining the difference is on the ski hill, or the bike track, I started there. When I would come across an aspect that looked difficult or that I had never done, I would close my eyes, take a breath, and open them again. If I felt it in my stomach and curiosity snuck in, I knew I was afraid and this was an aspect that I was meant to overcome. If I felt it in my heart and I could only think of what could go wrong, this aspect wasn't for me. And, it started working! Not without some room for error of course, but that's when Hannah comes in and I learn what I can from the situation- aka face plant. So now comes the work. We have already established that there are metaphors in the sports world, and if your not following me, here is the link. Here it is again, just in case. So, good, now that we've recognized that- we work on listening to those same cues in other parts of our lives. Mental, emotional, career.. And I'm using the collective we. Actually, I'm mostly using the 'listen to yourself Bunn'- but this is why I write.
I also think it's worth exploring what the world might look like in the absence of fear. Not in the absence of danger. Only fear. How would that look? 'Well, we would have people throwing themselves off of cliffs'. Right, we already have that. But we would also have a lot more people unafraid of applying for a job they might not have previously, or falling in love with someone who isn't their type, or learning how to fly one of those little 2 passenger airplanes that are so cool. And, what a tremendous world that would be. When you think about all of the little things that could go wrong in my new world where fear is unavailable, don't forget to put this idea into perspective. My friend Robin asked me 'Don't you think there would be a lot more annoyance from people always telling each other how they feel? Like if my patience is wearing thin with you and I tell you that, it hurts your feelings.' Right, but if the world started off this way then we wouldn't know the difference. And, what a relief right? Trying to figure out where you stand with people is such an anxiety producer, imagine a world without that..
I do think, though, that a world without fear would eventually perpetuate the analytical class. Those that sit back and watch the first person jump off the cliff are less likely to do it if the first person experiences danger or death. So then, we end up with a world full of watchers. But is that not where we are now? To some extent? Aren't we all sitting here saying, you shouldn't do that, you shouldn't ride your bike down that mountain, you shouldn't run the country this way, you shouldn't dream about something that could never exist- but then we don't do anything about it, because we are afraid that our action isn't the right one. Or is that just me?
Either way, I think that we (I) can and should learn from the Hannah's of the world. Those who's relationship with fear is to say: ok fear, I see you. But I only see you as an obstacle, not as a road block. And when I've mistakenly stumbled upon danger instead of fear .. that's a learning opportunity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)