I found an eyelash on my keyboard...

 I found an eye lash on my key board during lunch today. I was working and one of my roles at work is to support meals for folks with eating disorders. Rereading my old blog posts sometimes blows my mind, the job that I have right now was only just a hint of a dream for the version of me that wrote this post. Anyway, everyday I get to go to work and ponder what it is about our brains that can stop some of us from fulfilling one of our most basic humans needs. And one of the things that I do as part of that job, is eat lunch with my clients. We try to keep it light, playing silly games to keep our minds occupied. Sometimes when someone is struggling and another speaks up to encourage them through the meal I want to cry. Those moments are why I do this job.

So I was eating lunch today and all of the above happened. One client was struggling, so another spoke up and asked if the group would play a game to help keep the mood light. During the middle of the game, I found an eyelash on my keyboard. It was an obvious impulse for me to make a wish and blow it away. I didn't even realize anyone saw what I did when the client who was struggling said, "what did you wish for Lisa?" A smirk crawled across my lips. I would never tell, primarily because the basic rule of wish making is that you don't tell. But I also wouldn't tell because I wanted her to have some hope that maybe I'd wished for her.

She wasn't actually able to finish her meal, which was too bad but it got me thinking.. what if magic was real. At least a tiny bit. We make haphazard wishes constantly; on eyelashes, on times on the clock, on dandelions, and how many of those do we keep track of? Right, so how do we know that some of them aren't coming true? Guarantee me that one of yours hasn't. I know some of mine have because I'm here. Some people may call magic by another name, coincidence. Or maybe it's just a glitch in the matrix. But, isn't it more fun to call it magic and to let the wonder sink in. Why is it that whenever I'm talking about a client who is late to program and I say their name out loud, that is the moment that they show up? Magic. Why is it that even though I thought I would never live in a city surrounded by concrete and 8 million people, it has started to feel like home? Magic! 

One of the first few nights that I spent here I was having a tough night. I know that I'm 1000% on my healing, because I'm able to say that what a "tough night" for me, looks wayy better than it used to. Anyway, I was anxious because I had just moved and I was feeling one of my self sabotaging behaviors coming up. I heard somewhere that our easiest sabotaging behavior to fall into is usually the opposite of our love language, soo as someone who gives and receives love through quality time; my sabotaging behavior is... isolating. So here I am trying to isolate and figure out just how I can live in my room without having to talk to anyone ever again, for the rest of my life. But, I shake myself out of it. "Ok, you have to go outside, explore your neighborhood and buy food from somewhere fun looking," I told myself. So I did that. I wandered around and after a while, walked back and ended up at a mediterranean grill next door. I walk up to the window and completely butcher the name of my order. The guy behind the counter looks at me and must've smelled the newness all over me. 

"Is this your first time here?" he asked.

"Yeah, I just moved in to the building next door"

"Hold on a second, right here- I'm not going to charge you. I'll go get your order"

I stood there, a little astonished.

"Here you go," he says "make sure you meet your neighbors, there are some really good people in your building. Like I said, no charge- I want you to always feel welcome here."

Are you sobbing? I'm sobbing- it was pure, sparkly, capitol M- Magic. The people around us are magic. How boring and easy to think that each night that I spend here is more evidence for my anxious body that this is home and that I'm safe. I know that may be true, but what I'm saying is, to quote Terry Pratchett, "it's still magic even if you know how it's done". Wish fulfillment is magic, and if you ever wished for the job that you have, or for the family you've built, or for your life to be free of the tangles of diet culture.. and you've put the work in to accomplish that, you've created magic. You're a magician! Which all ironically comes full circle because the tarot card of the magician represents taking action in a conscious and creative way. We do it- we bring real magic into our own lives. If you still don't believe me just look closer.. you'll find it. Here's to hoping my wish from today comes true, what do you think it was?