I need to write about it even though words are clunky and ill descriptive. I still need to write to process. One of my friends told me that she and I write about the same things- 'we both write about paradigm shifts' she said. And at that moment I realized... apparently I write about paradigm shifts.
When I started working at my current job, I honestly thought I would be there for less then a year. I had just gotten back from Africa with a bright and shiny, brand new Registered Dietitian license and I had legitimately no clue what I wanted to do or where I wanted to do it. Before I left for Africa I had run into an old supervisor of mine downtown and he yelled something about the club looking for a dietitian over the ear splitting music that Burlington bars insist on playing at full blast. Great, I thought. I'll work this job long enough to put Registered Dietitian on my resume and see where that can take me. 2 life altering years later, I found myself sitting in the president's office petrified, and staring at my feet while I try to find the courage to tell him that I'm leaving.
I didn't realize how much courage it takes to side swipe someone with news like this. It felt like I was splitting my soul apart. As a society, we wrap up so much of who we are into what we do, that when we ultimately decide to change courses, it feels like the part of ourselves that we've devoted to our work has been severed. Or is that just me? I kept thinking all day about how this must have been how Voldemort felt when he created his horcruxes. Although a little less murder for me, I'm just going to graduate school. I've been questioning everything lately- like more than usual, and I just realized while writing that last sentence that it was because I've assigned so much of myself to my work. See, this is why I write. I've intertwined so much of who I am and how I feel accomplishment into showing up at work everyday that when I imagine not doing that, I start to wonder who I am.
When I was 21, my entire family got together in the Berkshires for a family reunion. Among a weekend of shenanigans, including one of my cousins throwing up in the sink, my grandfather stood up at the end of the very long table, 20 Bunn faces looking back at him, and he said 'To my grandchildren- whatever you do with your life, always help people.' So I did. I've devoted the entirety of my work related bandwidth toward helping people improve their health behaviors. Over my two years I've done 400 assessments. 400. 400 people, I've sat in front of in an attempt to help them improve their health. With every one of these 400 people, I had a choice. I could remain clinical and on the surface, I could write meal plans and base them off of numbers and nutrients... or I could move in. I could hear out their stories, ask them difficult questions, and encourage them to find the intrinsic motivation for behavior change. I chose the later and because of that choice, I’ve created an environment that feels impossible to leave. Our team at work is perfect. We challenge each other to grow personally and professionally. And only because of my credentials and my ability to bill insurance, I’ve been propped up to have an enormous support system under me. Touching on reliance seems greedy right now, but the reality is that without the insurance piece, our program isn’t nearly as successful. So while my coworkers may talk like they are reliant on me, it's actually my license that they're reliant on.
Sounds like the perfect job, right? My director is brilliant and hard working. When she dreams big it scares me a little, because I know she will actually accomplish it. And! She brings all of us with her. My coworkers are highly empathetic and deeply caring. We wrap ourselves up with each other and actively play a role in the development of our program and of each other. My clients are inspiring and challenge me at times. But, when they open up and trust the process, the results are life changing. So why would I leave? Why would I give it all up? Why would I go back to school to study a field that I already have a job in? Because. Healthy behaviors are just that- behavior. Which can be influenced, given the right circumstances... and we don't live in a world that has the right circumstances. And I want to change that. This might be my millennial showing, but I really think that I can make a difference on a vast scale.
I've discovered a whole new side of myself during this process.
I've never considered myself a risk taker. Call me a taurus, but I just loveeee security. Stability, security, and logic have been heavy influencers through most of my life, but now here I am, leaving a job that I could have forever to move across the country and study a field that could be wiped away and underfunded by the national government in the blink of an eye. Again, why?
My relationship with risk changed when I jumped out of an Alaskan helicopter to ski down an enormous powder field with an avalanche beacon and a harness on 'just in case you fall into a crevasse'. It was at that point that I realized what was on the other side of risk. Again, words are clunky, but I recognized that when I move though risk and fear, the other side is overhead blower powder; it's intoxicating. It was then that my relationship with risk shifted from avoidant to calculated. Sure skiing in avalanche territory was risky, but I had a beacon, a harness, and most importantly a guide. Calculated risk is when we can appropriately consider our cons and choose to face them instead of dodge them. Having someone to guide and mentor us through the process, I've found is imperative. Giving yourself to them while they guide and mentor you is... essential.
So, as I prepare to leave my work, family, and friends, pack up my car, and take off on this next chapter- I try to keep one word on my mind. Opportunity. The opportunity that I have in front of me to further effect change in my career field and the opportunity that I'm leaving behind for my current job to find someone better than me. West coast, here I come.
Friday, March 9, 2018
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Day 8: Quotes from my notes.
Traveling home wasn't nearly as terrible as on the way there. Other than switching my flight to an earlier one and a second security requirement forcing me to throw away my morning coffee, it was pretty seamless.. It might have been the lack of coffee, or maybe the tequila the night before, but even with the 6 hours I got to spend in Newark airport, I just didn't feel like putting the effort into reflecting on my time in Panama. Now, with the laundry in the washer, my fridge restocked, and Kwasi snuggling on my lap I can reminisce on the beautiful 8 days that I spent in paradise.
Instead of going through the details of our day by day experience, I'm going to take the structure from one of the posts on a friend's blog (Hey Casey!) and do a little 'quotes from my notes' post.
"What's the journal for?" -Carol
"...it's for you!" -Sarah
-On all of our pre-trip check lists the retreat kept telling us not to forget our notebooks and a pen. For me, this was a given. I've had this blog since 2013 in an attempt to write down my thoughts and remember this period of my life, but I also started keeping a journal after Alaska. It's helped me so incredibly that I sometimes forget that others don't journal all the time. I use it to doodle in, to write down my intentions for each day, and to try and process. Things happen so rapidly these days, I feel like I just need to write some of them down in an attempt to understand them. Like I said, bringing a notebook to Panama was a no brainer for me, I actually spent almost an hour picking out the perfect one for 2018 :)
'United Conformation: MKZW25' -me
-This one is only in there because I had to put that stupid confirmation code into the united app, and punch into the phone so many times during the first 12 hours of traveling. More on that here if you didn't read my first post.
'Release from 2017: the idea that my story isn't worth telling.
Intention for 2018: Openness ▲ Curiosity' -me
-The first journal exercise that we did as a group was to write down something that we wanted to release from 2017, and an intention for 2018. These were mine. Because I had already done plenty of reflecting on the New Year, my intentions for 2018 were wayyy easier then what I had to release. It took me a while to come up with it, and when I finally realized what had made my 2017 so life changing, was the fact that I started sharing my story with others, the next logical step was for me to leave that behind.
'In human affairs of danger and delicacy successful conclusion is sharply limited by hurry. So often men trip by being in a rush.' -John Steinbeck, East of Eden
-In other words; slow down, don't be in so much of a rush all the time. I was reading East of Eden during the trip and jotted this one down one day while sun worshipping by the pool with Sarah. Any one that has been abroad, especially to Africa, has experienced 'Africa time'. No one is on time to anything there, no one is in a hurry to get anywhere or do anything. I've heard the same of the Caribbean islands. They've realized that it's not going to make you any happier to worry about punctuality, and in our case.. the beach wasn't going anywhere.
'Ultimately, I try hard, just to not be a dick. And I think however anyone gets there is fine with me' -Laura
-I was talking with a midwestern real estate agent in her 50s/ practicing Buddhist about organized religion and this came out of her. In context, she was unhappy with the way most organized religions ostracize each other... I couldn't agree more.
'Life is so hard for you' -Sarah
-I was struggling- hard- with my beach chair in this moment. There were a few times during our trip that we needed to check each other on our circumstantial suffering. This one was a good reminder.
'I learned that somethings are out of my control. You think, you know that's true, then you learn how wrong you were about that' -Jenny
-It was Jenny's birthday and I asked her what she learned over the past year. This is what she said. In context, she's an amazing mother of 3, and she's had a difficult time over the past year finding the balance between things that she can and cannot control in a world raising 3 toddlers. Jenny was wiser than she knew, and each one of the girls on the retreat that hoped to someday have children got some take aways from the way she was open and honest about motherhood.
'Hold this intention in the present tense. And then build a lifestyle that allows for this.' -Alex
- Alex was the other yoga instructor and she said this during our yoga nidra class. She so elegantly described a way of living that forces you to be better all the time.
'Connection doesn't always have to look the way that I think it does' -me
-I wrote this one down after our final yoga class. This was a big take away for the whole trip for me. This, and the fact that's it's not all about me. I was struggling in the beginning because I felt like I was making connections with some of the people on the retreat, and not with others. What I realized, though was that while I wasn't the one connecting with them, that didn't mean they weren't connecting with those on the trip, that they were meant to. It's not all about me, just because I'm not the one helping them through an emotional release, or helping them understanding something about themselves, or helping them reconnect with themselves- that doesn't mean it's not happening. And ultimately that's all that matters. I also realized that connection doesn't have to be verbal. My 11th grade spanish skills only got me so far, but it didn't matter. I tried hard to erase the language barrier with eye contact, touch, and inflection. And it worked! Those that were helping me, understood how grateful I was to them. Those that I helped, seamlessly expressed their appreciation for me. And this happened more often then not. Wallets were forgotten on tables, phones were dropped, directions were needed.. and every time someone was leaping to the rescue to help. And I think that's beautiful. Again, I'm not completely sure how this trip will change me until it does. But, what's exciting is how excited I am about that. It feels like I have a change on my horizon and for the first time in a while, I'm excited about it, instead of terrified.
Instead of going through the details of our day by day experience, I'm going to take the structure from one of the posts on a friend's blog (Hey Casey!) and do a little 'quotes from my notes' post.
"What's the journal for?" -Carol
"...it's for you!" -Sarah
-On all of our pre-trip check lists the retreat kept telling us not to forget our notebooks and a pen. For me, this was a given. I've had this blog since 2013 in an attempt to write down my thoughts and remember this period of my life, but I also started keeping a journal after Alaska. It's helped me so incredibly that I sometimes forget that others don't journal all the time. I use it to doodle in, to write down my intentions for each day, and to try and process. Things happen so rapidly these days, I feel like I just need to write some of them down in an attempt to understand them. Like I said, bringing a notebook to Panama was a no brainer for me, I actually spent almost an hour picking out the perfect one for 2018 :)
'United Conformation: MKZW25' -me
-This one is only in there because I had to put that stupid confirmation code into the united app, and punch into the phone so many times during the first 12 hours of traveling. More on that here if you didn't read my first post.
'Release from 2017: the idea that my story isn't worth telling.
Intention for 2018: Openness ▲ Curiosity' -me
-The first journal exercise that we did as a group was to write down something that we wanted to release from 2017, and an intention for 2018. These were mine. Because I had already done plenty of reflecting on the New Year, my intentions for 2018 were wayyy easier then what I had to release. It took me a while to come up with it, and when I finally realized what had made my 2017 so life changing, was the fact that I started sharing my story with others, the next logical step was for me to leave that behind.
'In human affairs of danger and delicacy successful conclusion is sharply limited by hurry. So often men trip by being in a rush.' -John Steinbeck, East of Eden
-In other words; slow down, don't be in so much of a rush all the time. I was reading East of Eden during the trip and jotted this one down one day while sun worshipping by the pool with Sarah. Any one that has been abroad, especially to Africa, has experienced 'Africa time'. No one is on time to anything there, no one is in a hurry to get anywhere or do anything. I've heard the same of the Caribbean islands. They've realized that it's not going to make you any happier to worry about punctuality, and in our case.. the beach wasn't going anywhere.
'Ultimately, I try hard, just to not be a dick. And I think however anyone gets there is fine with me' -Laura
-I was talking with a midwestern real estate agent in her 50s/ practicing Buddhist about organized religion and this came out of her. In context, she was unhappy with the way most organized religions ostracize each other... I couldn't agree more.
'Life is so hard for you' -Sarah
-I was struggling- hard- with my beach chair in this moment. There were a few times during our trip that we needed to check each other on our circumstantial suffering. This one was a good reminder.
'I learned that somethings are out of my control. You think, you know that's true, then you learn how wrong you were about that' -Jenny
-It was Jenny's birthday and I asked her what she learned over the past year. This is what she said. In context, she's an amazing mother of 3, and she's had a difficult time over the past year finding the balance between things that she can and cannot control in a world raising 3 toddlers. Jenny was wiser than she knew, and each one of the girls on the retreat that hoped to someday have children got some take aways from the way she was open and honest about motherhood.
'Hold this intention in the present tense. And then build a lifestyle that allows for this.' -Alex
- Alex was the other yoga instructor and she said this during our yoga nidra class. She so elegantly described a way of living that forces you to be better all the time.
'Connection doesn't always have to look the way that I think it does' -me
-I wrote this one down after our final yoga class. This was a big take away for the whole trip for me. This, and the fact that's it's not all about me. I was struggling in the beginning because I felt like I was making connections with some of the people on the retreat, and not with others. What I realized, though was that while I wasn't the one connecting with them, that didn't mean they weren't connecting with those on the trip, that they were meant to. It's not all about me, just because I'm not the one helping them through an emotional release, or helping them understanding something about themselves, or helping them reconnect with themselves- that doesn't mean it's not happening. And ultimately that's all that matters. I also realized that connection doesn't have to be verbal. My 11th grade spanish skills only got me so far, but it didn't matter. I tried hard to erase the language barrier with eye contact, touch, and inflection. And it worked! Those that were helping me, understood how grateful I was to them. Those that I helped, seamlessly expressed their appreciation for me. And this happened more often then not. Wallets were forgotten on tables, phones were dropped, directions were needed.. and every time someone was leaping to the rescue to help. And I think that's beautiful. Again, I'm not completely sure how this trip will change me until it does. But, what's exciting is how excited I am about that. It feels like I have a change on my horizon and for the first time in a while, I'm excited about it, instead of terrified.
Friday, January 5, 2018
Day 0: I have the worst luck with traveling.
I have the worst luck with traveling. And it seems like it’s especially terrible if I’m going anywhere near the New York City area.
Before Christmas, I was supposed to go see Hannah, one of my long distance best friends, for a couple of hours while she was visiting the east coast. And try as the universe might, it wasn’t going to keep me from hugging her. There was a sleepless night, a towed car, freezing rain, and a delayed train- but even through all of that, I still got to spend a night drinking whiskey and reading tarot cards with my oldest friend.
That was just a silly anecdote to show what I mean when I say that traveling near The City isn’t my friend. This time was a little different. The ‘ice bomb cyclone’, as it was so appropriately named, grounded the first leg of the next travel adventure that I signed myself up for. After a tearful phone call to Maree (another long distance best friend with whom I was supposed to be staying during the first night of my trip), an extra night at home, and convincing a very confused rental car agent to not charge me twice for the same vehicle- I broke land speed records to try to reach Newark on time for my international flight. Upon arrival, after getting moderately lost returning my rental car, I walked up to the check in kiosk, scanned my passport, and my heart fell through the floor. ‘Check in time to close to departure time. See agent for assistance.’ I admit, I was cutting it close showing up at noon for a 2:50pm international departure but, like I said ‘ice bomb cyclone’ weather and, honestly, I didn’t think it was THAT bad. I dragged my heavy heart over to the ticket counter and texted third best friend, Sarah that I unfortunately wouldn’t be meeting her in paradise until at least a day later.. *inhale*
Sarah and I have been playing the manifest game since I got home from Alaska last April so, bless her heart, as soon as she heard I was having travel problems she started working her manifest magic on me. And guess what... it worked! Sarah’s proven her manifest magic to me multiple times, once in a very helpful and hazy way at a music festival. But, seriously- good karma follows this girl around and those of us that she chooses to share it with, only have gratitude to repay her with. A very sympathetic, and kind eyed ticket agent for United must’ve felt so bad for me- I was a poor shell of a person at this moment. So she expedited my baggage, put me through quick security and got me to my gate. With over an hour to spare. Props United. *exhale*
I always get the worst travel anxiety. I’ve had full blown panic attacks in the Chicago airport more times than I’m comfortable with. It’s almost like an imposter syndrome thing. When I’m traveling, I’m absolutely convinced that I’m like Jim Carey on the Truman Show and that everyone in my world is an actor meant to trick me into thinking that I’m about to go on an incredible adventure only to have me show up and it all be a joke. I check and double check my gate and seat assignments. Then I check and double check my ability to read numbers and letters- just to make sure I’ll be in the right place. So when things like my car getting towed and my flight getting canceled happen, it shackles me to the idea that somethings are out of my hands. What a way to learn that lesson.
The most recent inquiry into my soul has brought me to the runway of the Newark, New Jersey airport on a plane to Panama City to meet up with Sarah and a group of 10ish others, for an amazing, off grid, week in paradise doing all of the yoga, stand up paddle boarding, surfing, and adventuring that we can handle. Because this retreat is happening at the beginning of the year, I can’t help but to use it to reflect on 2017 and to set some things into motion for 2018.
There are a lot of complaints circling the internet about 2017 and I guess for good reason. I mean, Trump is still horrifying, we lost Tom Petty, and the climate continues to remind us that we have finite resources available to us. But, personally, I have very few complaints about the last year. Call it lucky, but so far every year has been better than the last for me.
Lucky. We toss that word around to much. And without it’s full meaning. Life changing, too. And my 2017 was both. When I was standing, teaching, in front of my first college class; when I was climbing out of a helicopter to chase Lynsey down the powder fields of Alaska and when I was sitting in Bernie Sanders office ready to advocate for my profession.. when I was sleeping under the stars and moon with my best friends; when I was prancing around music festivals and tearing down Sugarbush and Killington on my mountain bike.. when I was climbing up the Northeast’s most famous rock climbing pitches and when I was at a past life regression with my now incredible therapist. When I was celebrating as 2 of my friends got engaged and another 2 got married; when I was watching my coworkers and friends raise they’re new-borns into toddlerhood; and when I was watching as my clients were taking control of their health in the most positive and mind altering manner.. even when I was saying goodbye to one of my best friends as she made a career move to a city 10 hours away from me. I could still only stand back and ask myself- how. flipping. lucky. am I to be exactly there. In that moment. With those people.
That. That, along with less social media and more fiction is what I want out of my 2018. I want to build and cherish more of the moments where my only option, the only thing I can possibly do- is ask myself how the hell I got there and how lucky I am to be.
In the final post about my trip to Alaska I wrote that I wasn’t sure how the trip had changed me, but I knew that it had. I’m still not entirely sure, but here’s 1 thing that I do know about how I’ve changed. I’ve connected with those close to me in remarkably new ways. The connections that I have with my friends, family, coworkers, and clients have been strengthened through mutual openness, honesty, and trust. I’ve seen absolute blind leaps of faith taken- on both sides. My friends and I have chosen to share our stories and to expose our deeply rooted vulnerabilities, and insecurities to each other with only a shred of hope that it will help with mutual understanding. But, from those leaps, from that vulnerability, and from mutual empathy, we’ve seen exactly how close two people can feel. I genuinely feel closer now to the people around me then I ever have and I didn’t realize how important that was to me until the other day. Through a simple conversation, I was reminded that life isn’t always this good. Life can, and probably will, get very cruel. Philosopher David Benetar describes the asymmetry of joy and suffering in an episode of the Waking Up podcast with Sam Harris. Jobs will be lost, break ups will happen, loved ones will be ripped away from us, and the stability that we build will crumble, all in a split second. And when that happens, who do I want in my corner? The people that understand me.
That. That is what has been so life changing about my 2017. And that’s what I want more of from my 2018.
So as my plane lands and I experience a soul freeing week, unplugged, and in paradise, I can only dream of what the rest of this year has in store for me.
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
You know what's cool...
You know what's cool? Being the best version of yourself for people.
I feel like I've spent a lot of time recently forming my tribe. My support system. The people that I am choosing to influence me and the people that I can go to with my shit. Not my physical shit, but my metaphorical shit. The shit that keeps me up at night wondering if I'm capable of pulling off this whole life thing.
I feel like that's a heavy thing for me to ask a lot of my friends to help me carry, but.. I can't carry it alone, so I have to ask. And, as a way to repay them for my debt, I help them carry some of theirs. Fair is fair, right? If I expect this from the people in my life, then it's only fair that when I offer up my carrier services that I do so in the best possible way that I can.
In my latest string of human being improvement inquiries I've realized that there are very few things that I can do for the people in my life; my friends, family, clients, and coworkers, that is less important than listening to them. Not just listening, but listening.
We've all, I'm sure, heard about the difference between hearing and listening. That's not what I'm here to write about. We've all heard it, we're all sick of it. What I'm here to do, is to give out real tools for improving your relationship with listening.
How do I know that I'm the kind of person that would benefit from listening training?
Let's talk about 3 places to start.
We've all, I'm sure, heard about the difference between hearing and listening. That's not what I'm here to write about. We've all heard it, we're all sick of it. What I'm here to do, is to give out real tools for improving your relationship with listening.
How do I know that I'm the kind of person that would benefit from listening training?
- Are you a human being?
Let's talk about 3 places to start.
- 'It's an occupational hazard of being packaged in a body, that the universe is outside and you are obviously then center of it' -Jon Kabat Zinn wrote that. I think what he is telling us here is that it is soooo incredibly easy for us to show up to a conversation with only ourselves in mind. How deflating does is feel when you are sharing something with someone and all they can do is relate is back to themselves? Comment- 'hey, I recently reconnected and have starting hanging out again with this mutual person that we knew in the past' Answer- 'cool, you know who I just saw, this random person that means nothing to either of us or, quiet frankly, the original person that you mentioned'. Deflating. The wind is immediately and abruptly stripped from your sails and you've missed the opportunity to share a meaningful conversation about reconnecting with past acquaintances. That's not listening. And when that happens with the small stuff, why would anyone go there with the big stuff? And the big stuff is how we are understood. So.. do what you can to check your ego at the door and show up to a conversation with a mind wide open.
- Show up. Not just physically. Actually show. up. We don't always like going down into the basement, we all have insecurities and it can be scary to go down there. It commonly requires an emotional commitment that we aren't always willing to make. But, if you go down there with someone and they hold the flashlight for you, you may find out that your basement looks a lot like theirs, and you know what that means- they may be able to help you find your way out. Even if their basement looks nothing like yours, the cobwebs aren't in the same places, the cracks in the foundation aren't as shallow or as deep, but if they can show up to the conversation and really listen it really doesn't matter. So show up, sit across from someone, put your phone down, look them in the eyes, and don't just wait for the next time you can interrupt.
- Form questions, not assumptions. Not much makes me jump to defense as making assumptions about where I'm coming from. Everyone interacts with life through the lens of their own experiences so how easy is it to assume that everyone else is looking through your lens, and that they would experience something the same way that you did. Instead, ask a question about how they identify with what they are talking about. I promise you'll understand way more about someone by asking what it was like to grow up with 4 siblings than to assume that their life was crazy and that their mom was always chauffeuring around them and their siblings. To be fair, it does take genuine interest in a person or topic to be able to pose thoughtful and thought provoking questions, but curiosity doesn't always kill the cat, and truthfully questions don't always have to be thought provoking. You are allowed to ask, 'hey how was that presentation that you were nervous about giving?' without it being a profound, ground breaking moment between 2 people. And when you are looking for questions to ask, use the trick that journalists use- start questions with who, what, where, when, why, and how. Close ended questions, with yes or no answers aren't going to get you very far.
Do I think that listening is a skill? Yes. Do I also think it will strengthen the connections that you have and improve every aspect of your life? Also yes. Do I think that you have to give it to get it? The MOST yes.
So I'm posing a challenge- try one of the things I suggested above, just once, and see how it goes. We're all in this together and remember skills take practice. I'm still working hard on this one too.
So I'm posing a challenge- try one of the things I suggested above, just once, and see how it goes. We're all in this together and remember skills take practice. I'm still working hard on this one too.
Saturday, November 4, 2017
I've done it again...
I've done it again. I went and asked all of my friends the question I should have been asking myself all along. And instead of just sitting down and writing about it, I just spent the past few weeks interviewing as many of the people, who's opinions I value, as I can on the topic. I've been obsessed, recently with the difference between fear and danger. And when I say obsessed.. I mean OBSESSED.
I want to know what to do with each one of them.
I want to know what each one of them feels like in my body.
I want to know what each feels like in other people's bodies.
I want to know what people's relationship is with both of them.
I even want to know what people think the world would be like without them.
Fear has such an interesting place in our society. To us and our monkey brains, it's perceived danger, right? But, what one person perceives against another, can be wildly different. One person thinks that their most fearful act is to jump off of a 50 foot cliff, while another, would do that no problem.. but are terrified to tell someone how they feel about them. And you know what's funny? Most of the time when it's pure, true, clean, fear isn't not actually dangerous. Sure jumping off of a cliff is frightening, and has it's risks, but to someone who has done it countless times, that fear may not go away completely, but the danger certainly reduces.
I've heard fearlessness defined not as the absence of fear, but the total presence of fear with the courage to face it, which is so beautiful to me. I think there is real work in recognition of fear, not as something that should be ran from, but instead as an indicator that we are pointed in the right direction. I asked my friend Hannah what she thought of fear, and her answer was exactly the reason why I love her so much. 'To me- I charge towards fear. I see something that could be difficult, or overwhelming, or challenging, and it has to take a lot for me not to say yes and go into it. And yeah, sometimes it causes me some problems, but I always learn so much from it, and I know this sooo much about myself, that I haven't found a good reason yet, not to say yes to fear...' What a gal, huh? My relationship with fear has been a work in progress. I used to buckle under fear. At least the emotional kind. Throwing myself down a mountain on 2 pieces of wood strapped to my feet- no problem. Barrel down the same mountain on metal frame with 2 wheels- again, no problem. Well, not no problem, but to me the perception of risk for these activities was so low because I had done it so many times. I grew up on those pieces of wood, I had been balancing on that metal frame since I was a toddler. Does that mean when I would come across a dangerous section of the trail in front of me, that I wouldn't take care of myself and go around it? Of course not, but I never payed any attention to the difference. Emotional fear was different. The first time that I didn't listen to my intuition about emotional fear, it turned into danger.. go figure. So later on when that perception of risk crept in, I would turn into one of those cartoon characters that leaves only the dust outline of their figure behind. What a way to live, right?
I've heard that fear halts growth. Fear is something that is meant to be overcome. Why? Because of the feeling on the other side of fear. The overwhelming sense of pride, joy, and release from the bind of fear is so irresistible that we almost can't help ourselves. So, how then, do we know the difference?
No, actually- I'm asking..
If fear is perceived danger, and danger is the possibility of suffering harm or injury, and we're supposed to run from one, and charge towards the other, how do we tell the difference?
Since the place that I seemed to have the most luck determining the difference is on the ski hill, or the bike track, I started there. When I would come across an aspect that looked difficult or that I had never done, I would close my eyes, take a breath, and open them again. If I felt it in my stomach and curiosity snuck in, I knew I was afraid and this was an aspect that I was meant to overcome. If I felt it in my heart and I could only think of what could go wrong, this aspect wasn't for me. And, it started working! Not without some room for error of course, but that's when Hannah comes in and I learn what I can from the situation- aka face plant. So now comes the work. We have already established that there are metaphors in the sports world, and if your not following me, here is the link. Here it is again, just in case. So, good, now that we've recognized that- we work on listening to those same cues in other parts of our lives. Mental, emotional, career.. And I'm using the collective we. Actually, I'm mostly using the 'listen to yourself Bunn'- but this is why I write.
I also think it's worth exploring what the world might look like in the absence of fear. Not in the absence of danger. Only fear. How would that look? 'Well, we would have people throwing themselves off of cliffs'. Right, we already have that. But we would also have a lot more people unafraid of applying for a job they might not have previously, or falling in love with someone who isn't their type, or learning how to fly one of those little 2 passenger airplanes that are so cool. And, what a tremendous world that would be. When you think about all of the little things that could go wrong in my new world where fear is unavailable, don't forget to put this idea into perspective. My friend Robin asked me 'Don't you think there would be a lot more annoyance from people always telling each other how they feel? Like if my patience is wearing thin with you and I tell you that, it hurts your feelings.' Right, but if the world started off this way then we wouldn't know the difference. And, what a relief right? Trying to figure out where you stand with people is such an anxiety producer, imagine a world without that..
I do think, though, that a world without fear would eventually perpetuate the analytical class. Those that sit back and watch the first person jump off the cliff are less likely to do it if the first person experiences danger or death. So then, we end up with a world full of watchers. But is that not where we are now? To some extent? Aren't we all sitting here saying, you shouldn't do that, you shouldn't ride your bike down that mountain, you shouldn't run the country this way, you shouldn't dream about something that could never exist- but then we don't do anything about it, because we are afraid that our action isn't the right one. Or is that just me?
Either way, I think that we (I) can and should learn from the Hannah's of the world. Those who's relationship with fear is to say: ok fear, I see you. But I only see you as an obstacle, not as a road block. And when I've mistakenly stumbled upon danger instead of fear .. that's a learning opportunity.
I want to know what to do with each one of them.
I want to know what each one of them feels like in my body.
I want to know what each feels like in other people's bodies.
I want to know what people's relationship is with both of them.
I even want to know what people think the world would be like without them.
Fear has such an interesting place in our society. To us and our monkey brains, it's perceived danger, right? But, what one person perceives against another, can be wildly different. One person thinks that their most fearful act is to jump off of a 50 foot cliff, while another, would do that no problem.. but are terrified to tell someone how they feel about them. And you know what's funny? Most of the time when it's pure, true, clean, fear isn't not actually dangerous. Sure jumping off of a cliff is frightening, and has it's risks, but to someone who has done it countless times, that fear may not go away completely, but the danger certainly reduces.
I've heard fearlessness defined not as the absence of fear, but the total presence of fear with the courage to face it, which is so beautiful to me. I think there is real work in recognition of fear, not as something that should be ran from, but instead as an indicator that we are pointed in the right direction. I asked my friend Hannah what she thought of fear, and her answer was exactly the reason why I love her so much. 'To me- I charge towards fear. I see something that could be difficult, or overwhelming, or challenging, and it has to take a lot for me not to say yes and go into it. And yeah, sometimes it causes me some problems, but I always learn so much from it, and I know this sooo much about myself, that I haven't found a good reason yet, not to say yes to fear...' What a gal, huh? My relationship with fear has been a work in progress. I used to buckle under fear. At least the emotional kind. Throwing myself down a mountain on 2 pieces of wood strapped to my feet- no problem. Barrel down the same mountain on metal frame with 2 wheels- again, no problem. Well, not no problem, but to me the perception of risk for these activities was so low because I had done it so many times. I grew up on those pieces of wood, I had been balancing on that metal frame since I was a toddler. Does that mean when I would come across a dangerous section of the trail in front of me, that I wouldn't take care of myself and go around it? Of course not, but I never payed any attention to the difference. Emotional fear was different. The first time that I didn't listen to my intuition about emotional fear, it turned into danger.. go figure. So later on when that perception of risk crept in, I would turn into one of those cartoon characters that leaves only the dust outline of their figure behind. What a way to live, right?
I've heard that fear halts growth. Fear is something that is meant to be overcome. Why? Because of the feeling on the other side of fear. The overwhelming sense of pride, joy, and release from the bind of fear is so irresistible that we almost can't help ourselves. So, how then, do we know the difference?
No, actually- I'm asking..
If fear is perceived danger, and danger is the possibility of suffering harm or injury, and we're supposed to run from one, and charge towards the other, how do we tell the difference?
Since the place that I seemed to have the most luck determining the difference is on the ski hill, or the bike track, I started there. When I would come across an aspect that looked difficult or that I had never done, I would close my eyes, take a breath, and open them again. If I felt it in my stomach and curiosity snuck in, I knew I was afraid and this was an aspect that I was meant to overcome. If I felt it in my heart and I could only think of what could go wrong, this aspect wasn't for me. And, it started working! Not without some room for error of course, but that's when Hannah comes in and I learn what I can from the situation- aka face plant. So now comes the work. We have already established that there are metaphors in the sports world, and if your not following me, here is the link. Here it is again, just in case. So, good, now that we've recognized that- we work on listening to those same cues in other parts of our lives. Mental, emotional, career.. And I'm using the collective we. Actually, I'm mostly using the 'listen to yourself Bunn'- but this is why I write.
I also think it's worth exploring what the world might look like in the absence of fear. Not in the absence of danger. Only fear. How would that look? 'Well, we would have people throwing themselves off of cliffs'. Right, we already have that. But we would also have a lot more people unafraid of applying for a job they might not have previously, or falling in love with someone who isn't their type, or learning how to fly one of those little 2 passenger airplanes that are so cool. And, what a tremendous world that would be. When you think about all of the little things that could go wrong in my new world where fear is unavailable, don't forget to put this idea into perspective. My friend Robin asked me 'Don't you think there would be a lot more annoyance from people always telling each other how they feel? Like if my patience is wearing thin with you and I tell you that, it hurts your feelings.' Right, but if the world started off this way then we wouldn't know the difference. And, what a relief right? Trying to figure out where you stand with people is such an anxiety producer, imagine a world without that..
I do think, though, that a world without fear would eventually perpetuate the analytical class. Those that sit back and watch the first person jump off the cliff are less likely to do it if the first person experiences danger or death. So then, we end up with a world full of watchers. But is that not where we are now? To some extent? Aren't we all sitting here saying, you shouldn't do that, you shouldn't ride your bike down that mountain, you shouldn't run the country this way, you shouldn't dream about something that could never exist- but then we don't do anything about it, because we are afraid that our action isn't the right one. Or is that just me?
Either way, I think that we (I) can and should learn from the Hannah's of the world. Those who's relationship with fear is to say: ok fear, I see you. But I only see you as an obstacle, not as a road block. And when I've mistakenly stumbled upon danger instead of fear .. that's a learning opportunity.
Friday, August 11, 2017
I've come to the conclusion...
I've come to the conclusion that lessons are everywhere. We all know that mistakes teach us things. Every single one of them. We touch a hot burner and we learn to- not touch the hot burner. Those are easy- you don't need me to write an entire blog post about learning lessons from our mistakes. I think something we often forget is that there are lessons elsewhere. When we accomplish something we pat ourselves a job well done and move on. Few people reflect on the accomplishment and figure out what went right. That's lesson #1 from me today. Also! According to David Foster Wallace here we can find lessons in the mundane-ness of life.. it's just up to us to show up and pay attention. I highly suggest that you take the 22 minutes to listen to that David Foster Wallace YouTube video when you get the chance, it'll change your life. Here's the link again, just in case :)
This post isn't really about finding lessons in mistakes, successes, or the mundane-ness of life. What it's really about is finding lessons in my favorite place to find them: action sports, and how they can relate to our everyday life.
Commitment issues:
As I get better at climbing, I'm finding myself on more difficult routes. What makes one climbing route more difficult than another can be as simple as the distance between hand holds. For the holds that are just out of reach, the talent is in your ability to shift your body position and, more importantly- your commitment to the move. Instead of just standing up on one leg and reaching for the hold, you have to actively push, fully extending your opposite leg and watch your hand grab the hold. It's almost like jumping to the next hold (which some people actually do.. I'm not there, yet) Especially with bouldering though, full extension of a limb can be scary. If your hand doesn't make it to the hold- you're falling off the wall. Fear of commitment to a move. Or a line. Or to another person comes from us needing to have an out. If we don't commit fully, if we don't put in everything we have, every ounce of effort we could possibly put forward.. we can avoid the grueling pain of potential failure. If we miss the climbing hold, or crash on our decent, or get our hearts broken, it was because of our lack of commitment- not because we weren't good enough. Our brains are hard wired for loss aversion.. so much so that we miss the opportunity for pleasure because of it. Our instincts tell us that potential pain from loss out weighs potential pleasure from gain. So we hold back. We don't push off that leg. We don't get aggressive on a steep decent. We don't give ourselves over completely to another person. We get scared to fully commit to the move. And what's funny is, this lack of commitment is usually what ends up destroying us in the end. If we can muster up the courage, which Brene Brown doesn't define as bravery, but instead as 'speaking from the heart', to push off with everything we have and reach for that hold, we are more likely to get it. And you know what, if we don't at least we can walk away with a sense of full effort.
Gripping to tightly:
When we get scared our natural impulse is to hold on tighter. To our handlebars, to the climbing wall, to the people that we think are leaving us. The only thing that we ever get from this, though, is fatigue. Hands turn into claws that need to be peeled from handlebars, forearms get so pumped full of blood that fingers fall off the wall, and your broken heart ends up hurting even more than if you had just let them walk out in the first place. We fatigue our bodies and minds by holding on too tightly to the things that we think we can't live without. What's funny though, is that you can absorb high impact for longer with a loose grip, have fewer falls from the rock by treating your holds like eggshells, and improve the quality of people you surround yourself with by letting those who are not serving you walk out. When I notice that I'm over gripping on the wall, I pause and sit back. I rely on my harness and belyer to hold me up while I release the bad energy from my forearms and let them rest. When I notice it on my bike and I come into an easier section, I lift my pinkies off the bars. When I notice that I'm holding too tightly to people in my life I ask myself are the people and things that you surround yourself with actively improving your experience? If not, let them go and say 'see you another time'- commonly the over gripping is what is driving them away in the first place. So grasp lightly on your climbing holds, let go of your pinkies when you're riding through the easy stuff, and cherish the meaningful relationships in your life.
Search mode and send mode:
On avalanche beacons there are two different modes: search mode and send mode. Send mode we use for the times that we are skiing and search mode comes in when someone gets caught up in an avalanche and we need to find them. Scary right? We find a similar concept on mountain biking shocks: they're open for flying downhill and locked out when you are climbing up. Not as scary as search mode, but locking out your shocks means that the fun is over and it's time to work again. Locking out your shocks and putting your beacon into search mode can seem daunting, even scary but they are necessary to a balanced and fulfilled adventure (read; life). If we spend our entire lives in send mode, flying down the hill as fast as we can, we never have time to stop and get the work done. Our lives become a 'plug and play' and we spend the entirety of it just barely in control. Don't forget to stop every so often, flip into search, lock out your shocks, and collect some information about yourself.
Overcorrection:
When we do make a mistake our natural instinct is to correct in the opposite direction. When our car skids we turn the wheel the opposite direction, when you end up off balance on your bike you shift your weight to stay upright, when you narrowly miss a tree while skiing through the glades you react quickly to avoid the next one. Correction is fine. Necessary even. If we OVER correct, however, we end up imbalanced in the other direction and fall any way. Sometimes we use this over correction as a way to punish ourselves for our initial mistake. Eating a pint of ice cream in a single sitting means we're only eating salad for the next 2 weeks and going to the gym every day. Dating someone who is emotionally unavailable is over corrected to someone who is wayyy to available. Stand to long at the top of a biking aspect and talk yourself into the fear of it. Try it anyway, and end up on your face.
It's best to avoid correction in the first place, so I'm working on learning the difference between fear and danger. Turn toward fear and away from danger. Fear may require a correction, danger will almost always result in over correction. Be assertive with the course that you are going to take, the things that you need, and accept that you've made a mistake when you do. Mistakes are what makes you human, learn from them and course correct from there.
Trusting your body
Trusting your body and mind to make the right decisions for you in time of panic or crisis is SO hard. But, I also think, at least for me, so essential. Growing up I learned very quickly how to suppress my own self trust and for a while.. that worked for me. When I would come across a problem on the mountain bike trail that I didn't trust I could handle I would slam on the brakes. This actually put me into bigger trouble more often than not. No bike is ever going to land correctly and no biker is going to be safe when the wheels are stuck in place. Chances are, you're going over the handle bars and landing flat on your face. Instead I've been actively trusting that my body knows what to do on the trails, and crossing that over, that my mind knows what to do with my decisions. Not every aspect of the trail HAS to go perfectly- today my ride was far from perfect. But, (and this is an ultimate career goal of mine) by trusting our bodies to take us where it needs to go and tell us what it needs to tell us, we can switch the necessity of taking care of it into a desire. For me- trusting that I've put in enough hours on the bike and that my intuition is going to tell me what line to take, erases SOME of the fear associated with throwing myself down a mountainside at the fastest possible speed I can. Building that trust in my body has also enhanced the trust that I have in my mind and the decisions that I'm making. Yes, I do want to eat mostly vegetables and continue to ride my bike until I'm 110. Yes, the friends that I surround myself with are meaningful. Yes, the career field I've chosen is important.
When something happens and we break the trust we have with our bodies (trauma, aging, injury, illness) that mistrust is where the questions in our mind come from. Should I take this job or that? Is this the right person for me? Are my friends well intentioned? AM I CAPABLE? Capable of lifting this weight? Biking that line? Climbing that route? Cooking that dinner? Providing for myself and my family?
By slowing down, being patient with our wants and needs, committing to things that scare us, and trusting ourselves to handle it- we increase the trust we have with both our minds and bodies. And I think that's an important life lesson.
Friday, August 4, 2017
Hi everyone, my name is Lisa. And I'm addicted to being outside.
Hi everyone, my name is Lisa. And I'm addicted to being outside.
I need to be outside. Like, NEED to. Most days after work I find myself either down by a fishing hole on the Winooski river or wandering the trails of various systems close by. Why? Well why does an alcoholic drink? According to Psychology Today 'it provides existential relief'. For me, going in the woods or standing by a river allows me to feel calm. In a world that's as fast paced and technology driven as ours, I love the idea that there are still parts of the world where the only things you can hear are the birds, or where you're cell phone doesn't work, or the fact that there's a place that can only be reached by using your own body. Unlike alcohol and other drugs, I don't think my addiction of being outside has negatively impacted those in my life (if it has, let me know) but I still think it's important to share.
I'd also like to share the reasons why I love being outside so much. The woods create an even playing field. Sure, maybe some people in the group have more efficient gear, or better shoes, or a faster bike, but the reality is- if you want to be safe, you're going to move at the pace of the slowest person. And when it comes down to it, you're going to reach your destination when you reach it. And it will be as beautiful as it is supposed to be for you. AND! It probably won't be as beautiful in a photograph as it was in person, so you better enjoy the crap out of it in the moment. (How cool is that?)
I LOVE how strongly you need to listen to your intuition when you're outside. Call it hippie mumbo jumbo but I feel strongly that people's (maybe just mine?) intuition gets muted by the over stimulating world, and when they in the woods the pipeline gets power washed of all the Facebook, current event news, social normaties, sludge that slows down the communication between intuition and conscious thought. This is one of the reason's why I think people feel more comfortable opening up, tell the truth, and feel more connected to each other in the woods.
My road to addiction, I think, had 2 major on ramps. The first was the insistence my parents had on backpacking the Northville-Placid Trail with my brother and I when we were young. And the second was the summer I spent as a lifeguard at a residential Girl Scout camp in the Adirondacks. I've had other various, bear attack, helicopter skiing, 14er climbing related occasions that have amplified my life outside, but the 2 that I'm going to share really solidified it.
Northville-Placid Trail
When I was 10 years old, my parents decided it would be a good idea to put everything that my family needed on our backs and live in the woods for 5 days. They did that with their vacation time... I'm not entirely sure where they got the idea from- I know my dad had pretty profound summer camp experiences and they took a backpacking trip together in their 20s, but either way- when I think about the vacation time that adults rarely have anyway, I can't believe they chose to spend it walking 30 miles with 2 snot nose little kids. The Northville-Placid Trail is about 136 miles in length and unlike the 3 month, 2190 mile journey of the Appalachian Trail, the NPT takes experienced hikers about 10 days to finish end to end. Again, since I was 10 and my parents are sane, we broke it up into sections and only finished off the last part a year or so ago. The first section we did when I was, like I said, 10 years old. I had no idea what a frame pack was, I had never eaten freeze dried foods, and my tent camping experience was minimal. The first night we spent in the woods was exciting and new. Making dinner, putting together a fire, and ignoring my bed time lit me up inside. I was ready to take on the world. Then, the second or third night we were out there I had a panic attack. I remember hiking a pretty long distance that day and my short little legs had been weighed down by a bulky frame pack that I kept insisting my family members take things out of. We got to our lean-to for the night and started making camp. The Adirondack lean-tos are known for having journals in them that people can make entries in when they stop through. Trail conditions, weather, general musings, and in our case a rowdy boy scout troop trying to scare 10 year old girls. "...rabid raccoon ate Jack" I remember it saying... and I LOST it. Tears, panic, sweating- I had been dragged through the woods with no TV, carrying all of my fresh underwear for the week in a frame pack that didn't allow for my pig tails to properly bounce, and now I was going to be eaten by a raccoon. NO WAY! I was done. This was my first experience with any sort of anxiety or panic which seems a little backwards to me now that I go to the woods to feel the opposite of that.. Anyway, my mom managed to calm me down that night by promising that if a rabid raccoon came into our tent she would volunteer herself first. What a gal. I don't know what happened in my brain after that, but I was hooked. I had my struggles through the rest of the trip, sure, but something about the realization that I could face and overcome fears for the first time while I was sitting in the woods clicked with me.
Look at how happy that kid is to have lived in the woods for 5 days. My brother on the other hand... was probably sick of me singing camp songs at the top of my lungs to keep the bears away.
Lake Clear Girl Scout Camp
I don't remember every year that I spent at camp (there were 9 of them, by the way) but I remember parts of the first. And I remember the last. I remember the first friend that I made at camp. We were both 4th, going into 5th graders- which I think makes me the same age as when I did the NPT? Maybe a year later? Either way, I remember she was the only one in my group that I felt connected and safe with, but then she got really home sick and scared and ended up going home every night before bed. I was homesick and scared too, but letters from my mom helped and the fact that she wasn't going to drive an hour each way every night just to pick me up and drop me off at camp REALLY helped motivate me to stay. That was one of the first times in my life that I realized that when I'm faced with uncomfortableness I had 2 choices. I could run away or I could stay and fight through it. Interestingly, my first year at camp wasn't nearly as important to me as my final year. I had gone through various experiences with camp- having all of our food eaten by bears, swimming across the lake at 5am, and ***. But they were nothing compared to the things I learned about love and friendship from my final summer there. I spent that summer as the camp lifeguard. There were 4 of us on the waterfront staff and we were by far the best people there. Among the lifeguard staff was one a counselor that I had looked up to as a camper who had an already established friendship with the then arts and crafts director. Together the 3 of us existed in Girl Scout Camp world, where we only referred to each other by camp names, and our jobs were to be entertaining. We started off that summer getting in trouble during staff orientation week and it was all downhill from there. The rest of the summer included shenanigans like finding and playing with pet turtles, washing our hair in the lake that we also peed in, participating in jello and french toast eating contests, wrestling for greased watermelons, and sneaking into the kitchen or off camp property for snacks (when the substances we were on called for it). We did almost lose our jobs a few times that summer, but it was all in the name of the development of our secret society. Secret society? Yeah- our secret society. The secret has gotten out over the past few years so I don't feel guilty laying it out here. Since one of the founding members of our society was the arts and crafts director, she got to choose which projects the girls did. One of those projects was something we called wish boats. The girls would scour around camp picking up pieces of bark, little sticks, leaves, and pine cones, or whatever suited their fancy, and form them into boats. They would then come up with a wish, write it down and hot glue the wish along with a candle to the boat. During the last night of camp we would have a camp fire and those that made wish boats would be able to release them into the lake with the candle lit. We would tell the little girls that if the boat was gone in the morning, their wish would come true! Unnnnnfortunately for them... hot glue, paper, and candles litter the lake, so after all the girls went to bed we would have to canoe around and collect all of the boats. This task was more or less doable depending on the various focus and thunder and lightening circumstances that we had. But, no matter what, we pretty much got it done. We would then throw out the boats and bring the wishes to the fort that we built in the woods and read them out loud. Some of them were happy (I wish to go to a Hannah Montana concert), some of the were really inappropriate (I wish to get laid in the 9th grade), and some of them were really sad (I wish my grandma was still alive). And even though we would never figure out who wrote what wish, we kept them all. They're still safe in a scrapbook now 10 years later.
I ultimately learned most of the most important life lessons about friendship, love, and unconditional wishing in the woods, so for that- I owe a canoe full of gratitude.
I need to be outside. Like, NEED to. Most days after work I find myself either down by a fishing hole on the Winooski river or wandering the trails of various systems close by. Why? Well why does an alcoholic drink? According to Psychology Today 'it provides existential relief'. For me, going in the woods or standing by a river allows me to feel calm. In a world that's as fast paced and technology driven as ours, I love the idea that there are still parts of the world where the only things you can hear are the birds, or where you're cell phone doesn't work, or the fact that there's a place that can only be reached by using your own body. Unlike alcohol and other drugs, I don't think my addiction of being outside has negatively impacted those in my life (if it has, let me know) but I still think it's important to share.
I'd also like to share the reasons why I love being outside so much. The woods create an even playing field. Sure, maybe some people in the group have more efficient gear, or better shoes, or a faster bike, but the reality is- if you want to be safe, you're going to move at the pace of the slowest person. And when it comes down to it, you're going to reach your destination when you reach it. And it will be as beautiful as it is supposed to be for you. AND! It probably won't be as beautiful in a photograph as it was in person, so you better enjoy the crap out of it in the moment. (How cool is that?)
I LOVE how strongly you need to listen to your intuition when you're outside. Call it hippie mumbo jumbo but I feel strongly that people's (maybe just mine?) intuition gets muted by the over stimulating world, and when they in the woods the pipeline gets power washed of all the Facebook, current event news, social normaties, sludge that slows down the communication between intuition and conscious thought. This is one of the reason's why I think people feel more comfortable opening up, tell the truth, and feel more connected to each other in the woods.
My road to addiction, I think, had 2 major on ramps. The first was the insistence my parents had on backpacking the Northville-Placid Trail with my brother and I when we were young. And the second was the summer I spent as a lifeguard at a residential Girl Scout camp in the Adirondacks. I've had other various, bear attack, helicopter skiing, 14er climbing related occasions that have amplified my life outside, but the 2 that I'm going to share really solidified it.
Northville-Placid Trail
When I was 10 years old, my parents decided it would be a good idea to put everything that my family needed on our backs and live in the woods for 5 days. They did that with their vacation time... I'm not entirely sure where they got the idea from- I know my dad had pretty profound summer camp experiences and they took a backpacking trip together in their 20s, but either way- when I think about the vacation time that adults rarely have anyway, I can't believe they chose to spend it walking 30 miles with 2 snot nose little kids. The Northville-Placid Trail is about 136 miles in length and unlike the 3 month, 2190 mile journey of the Appalachian Trail, the NPT takes experienced hikers about 10 days to finish end to end. Again, since I was 10 and my parents are sane, we broke it up into sections and only finished off the last part a year or so ago. The first section we did when I was, like I said, 10 years old. I had no idea what a frame pack was, I had never eaten freeze dried foods, and my tent camping experience was minimal. The first night we spent in the woods was exciting and new. Making dinner, putting together a fire, and ignoring my bed time lit me up inside. I was ready to take on the world. Then, the second or third night we were out there I had a panic attack. I remember hiking a pretty long distance that day and my short little legs had been weighed down by a bulky frame pack that I kept insisting my family members take things out of. We got to our lean-to for the night and started making camp. The Adirondack lean-tos are known for having journals in them that people can make entries in when they stop through. Trail conditions, weather, general musings, and in our case a rowdy boy scout troop trying to scare 10 year old girls. "...rabid raccoon ate Jack" I remember it saying... and I LOST it. Tears, panic, sweating- I had been dragged through the woods with no TV, carrying all of my fresh underwear for the week in a frame pack that didn't allow for my pig tails to properly bounce, and now I was going to be eaten by a raccoon. NO WAY! I was done. This was my first experience with any sort of anxiety or panic which seems a little backwards to me now that I go to the woods to feel the opposite of that.. Anyway, my mom managed to calm me down that night by promising that if a rabid raccoon came into our tent she would volunteer herself first. What a gal. I don't know what happened in my brain after that, but I was hooked. I had my struggles through the rest of the trip, sure, but something about the realization that I could face and overcome fears for the first time while I was sitting in the woods clicked with me.
Lake Clear Girl Scout Camp
I don't remember every year that I spent at camp (there were 9 of them, by the way) but I remember parts of the first. And I remember the last. I remember the first friend that I made at camp. We were both 4th, going into 5th graders- which I think makes me the same age as when I did the NPT? Maybe a year later? Either way, I remember she was the only one in my group that I felt connected and safe with, but then she got really home sick and scared and ended up going home every night before bed. I was homesick and scared too, but letters from my mom helped and the fact that she wasn't going to drive an hour each way every night just to pick me up and drop me off at camp REALLY helped motivate me to stay. That was one of the first times in my life that I realized that when I'm faced with uncomfortableness I had 2 choices. I could run away or I could stay and fight through it. Interestingly, my first year at camp wasn't nearly as important to me as my final year. I had gone through various experiences with camp- having all of our food eaten by bears, swimming across the lake at 5am, and ***. But they were nothing compared to the things I learned about love and friendship from my final summer there. I spent that summer as the camp lifeguard. There were 4 of us on the waterfront staff and we were by far the best people there. Among the lifeguard staff was one a counselor that I had looked up to as a camper who had an already established friendship with the then arts and crafts director. Together the 3 of us existed in Girl Scout Camp world, where we only referred to each other by camp names, and our jobs were to be entertaining. We started off that summer getting in trouble during staff orientation week and it was all downhill from there. The rest of the summer included shenanigans like finding and playing with pet turtles, washing our hair in the lake that we also peed in, participating in jello and french toast eating contests, wrestling for greased watermelons, and sneaking into the kitchen or off camp property for snacks (when the substances we were on called for it). We did almost lose our jobs a few times that summer, but it was all in the name of the development of our secret society. Secret society? Yeah- our secret society. The secret has gotten out over the past few years so I don't feel guilty laying it out here. Since one of the founding members of our society was the arts and crafts director, she got to choose which projects the girls did. One of those projects was something we called wish boats. The girls would scour around camp picking up pieces of bark, little sticks, leaves, and pine cones, or whatever suited their fancy, and form them into boats. They would then come up with a wish, write it down and hot glue the wish along with a candle to the boat. During the last night of camp we would have a camp fire and those that made wish boats would be able to release them into the lake with the candle lit. We would tell the little girls that if the boat was gone in the morning, their wish would come true! Unnnnnfortunately for them... hot glue, paper, and candles litter the lake, so after all the girls went to bed we would have to canoe around and collect all of the boats. This task was more or less doable depending on the various focus and thunder and lightening circumstances that we had. But, no matter what, we pretty much got it done. We would then throw out the boats and bring the wishes to the fort that we built in the woods and read them out loud. Some of them were happy (I wish to go to a Hannah Montana concert), some of the were really inappropriate (I wish to get laid in the 9th grade), and some of them were really sad (I wish my grandma was still alive). And even though we would never figure out who wrote what wish, we kept them all. They're still safe in a scrapbook now 10 years later.
I ultimately learned most of the most important life lessons about friendship, love, and unconditional wishing in the woods, so for that- I owe a canoe full of gratitude.
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