Day 9: Caught Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth

Ok, confession: when I initially thought about, and signed up to go heli-skiing in Alaska I thought we were just- going on a ski trip.  ‘I like skiing’ I thought ‘doing that in Alaska would be cool’.  Ok, second confession:  I asked every single person that I knew if they thought it was a good idea.  And the response varied across the board

‘Hell yeah! That’s awesome!’

‘Wait, Alaska?! You can’t ski that, can you?’

‘Are you going to jump out of the helicopter?’

And my response to each person only eased his or her anxiety.

‘Yeah, thanks!  It is awesome’

‘Well, I’m sure going to try’

‘As far as I know- no one has ever jumped out of the helicopter’

None of this did much to ease my own, though.  I actually started this process with a lot of ‘maybes’ and a lot of questions.  Am I good enough to handle it?  How am I going to get off of work?  Do I want to invest my time and money into this or something more socially acceptable?  Then I was talking to a coworker about the trip and he said something that has carried me though the trip ‘wait, what if you did go?’ he said ‘picture for 5 seconds, yourself actually going’.  And so I did… and something felt so right about it.  So, immediately after those 5 seconds I started planning.  Things started falling into place, airplanes booked, time off of work, ready, set, go.

It wasn’t until I actually got here that I realized this trip was about so much more than skiing.  It was about letting go, and holding on, and erasing ‘shoulds’ and ‘maybes’ from my vocabulary.  For the longest time I was the kind of person that needed an opinion from everyone before I did something.  It didn’t matter much what their opinion was, it just mattered that I heard it.  I’ve spent my entire life doing the things that people want me to, or that are socially acceptable.  I think they call that a ‘people pleaser’.

I first got to the airport with my typical ‘what the hell did I just get myself into’ attitude, but upon landing I realized what it was.  I got myself into a week of education from Lynsey, the other girls around me, our guide, and the mountains.  Open and honest communication is an essential tool of the backcountry.  If you sense something is wrong and don’t speak up you are not only risking your life but those around you as well.  These tools paralleled into our moment-to-moment activities and interactions easily.  We all were quickly on a journey together exploring conversation topics such as saying yes, leaning into the unknown, life, love, and cereal.  Ok, third confession:  I didn’t realize how difficult it has been for me, in the past, to say yes.  Something about this trip felt right though and made it easy, and boy am I glad I did.   

Our guide Harlan was not only our mountain guide but our spiritual guide as well.  He spoke of the hero’s journey; saying yes, leaving home, and conquering our own personal demons- which struck a different cord in each of us since we were all here for different reasons.  We were encouraged to speak up when we were feeling something, which gave me the confidence to speak up on top of the mountain.  I consider myself a pretty good skier but the day before had been long and on our final run I got caught up in some slough and lost a ski.  We looked for a little bit but eventually Harlan and I had to tandem ski to the helicopter landing zone to end our day.  Tandem skiing in 12 inches of powder- not easy, and wasn’t something that was on my bucket list until I did it.  I didn’t think something like that would affect me until the next morning when we were rushed out of bed for a few runs before the weather went bad.  Having to skip morning meditation and stretchy time after the way that we ended the previous day left me unsettled.  And you know what’s funny… I wasn’t the only one feeling that way.  I could tell that one of my new sisters was feeling the same way.  Feeling that for myself and as a part of her- and speaking up about it- made it so that everyone was safe in the mountains.  And, if you’ve never done grounding and meditation practices on top of a mountain, while heli skiing in Alaska, with Lynsey and Harlan, I suggest you give it a try.  Oh, and did I mention that we were late getting to the helicopter because there were 7 yellow lab puppies outside of our door?  Mountains, skiing, puppies, friendship… if that’s not caught between heaven and earth, I don’t know what is.

Lynsey was also an amazing role model.  She showed us how to be strong both mentally and physically.  Before our very first run she was there telling us to feel our feet on the ground and to breathe into our toes.  She stood up for her girls when it mattered, and with poise and grace.  She taught us to ski from our vaginas, keep our shoulders pointing down the hill, and that you ski better when you're wearing jeans.  The way that she honestly and openly talks about the sport of skiing and the things in life that make her scared and vulnerable is inspiring and rare.  And, even though we had to wait for her to make 5 trips to do anything… at least the girl can write a mean rap about Alaska.  I’m incredibly grateful that she feels drawn to spreading the lessons of the mountains with others, and I don’t know that I will ever be able to show her just how unique that is.

I don’t suspect that I’ll know how it is that I’ve changed until it comes out of me.  There will be a time and place when I surprise myself and I’ll smile knowing that I had the spirit of this trip with me.  I did set intentions for life post Alaska though; I will seek less validation for my choices, I will challenge the ‘shoulds’, ‘maybes’, and anything that doesn’t have me saying ‘fuck yeah!’ I will continue to follow my sense of adventure (after all- it is what got me here), and I will play the manifest game a lot more J. I won’t ever forget the lessons that I’ve collected on this trip.  I learned how to search with an avalanche beacon, I learned how to let go of the things in life that hold me back, I learned that my intuition matters and I need to speak up when it is telling me something.  I learned that sometimes you need to take a detour on a run to play magical unicorns … and most importantly, I learned that following your own path in life is important, whether it is rocky or smooth, wobbly or stable, it’s yours and that’s what makes it so special. <3

Day 7: Decided To Stay

So it's really late but I wanted to dump out a bunch of stuff before I forget about some of it.  First of all, you may or may not notice that I'm not home right now.  I extended my time here a few days on a gut instinct.  We've been basing a lot of our decisions on what feels right this week and leaving today just did not, so we didn't.

We were talking about the way things work around here and the energy that the trip is bringing and you are doing 1 of 2 things always- you are hurrying up to wait, or you are in total go mode, no stopping to even pee.

Yesterday was the second way.  We woke up knowing it was going to be a great day for skiing.  Lyns had to go with the film crew all day so we didn't have our mama bird with us but it was by far the best day of skiing I've ever had.  We started off with meditation time with our guide Harland, who- by the way, has brought this entire trip to another level (more on that later, and by the way- another one of the guides told me that if he was ever lost in the woods, he would want Harland with him).  Then we dropped into the field for the entire day.  We got about 8 runs on varying terrain, we learned how to dig an avi pit to assess the snow conditions (pic below), and we had to rope our photographer into the beginning of one of our lines.  It was great, I got to see one of my new friends take the line of her life, I got to ski snow over my head, and we really grew together as sisters.  Oh, and I lost a ski.

How?

Well I was following one of the girls who is better at skiing than I am, which is how I like to get better at things, through a chute and I got some 'sluff'.  Meaning the snow under me let loose a little bit and swept me off my feet.  It was far from an avalanche and I was totally fine, my head was never even downslope of my feet, but I knew as soon as it happened that my ski popped off.  It hurt only my pride, and after I assessed myself and the situation I soon realized that my ski could be literally anywhere in a basketball court size area across and up to 5 feet down.  Harland came in above me and tried to find it but it was going to be a pretty lost cause so he called for another guide to come help and he and I tandem skied with me on 1 down to the heli pick up spot.  1-0 Alaska.
After 7 hours in the field we ate well deserved dinner and got home to belly laugh at all the awesome footage of banter we got without Lynsey.

After that the fun just continued.  I got woken up this morning to 'hey wake up, we got called in right now to go skiing'... ummm ok, let me open my eyes a little bit first, but yeah, be right there.
So we showed up to go skiing and jumped into a helicopter with no breakfast or even coffee for a few runs.  Actually we were late to our helicopter pick up because as soon as we left the house we realized that our neighbors had a litter of 7 yellow lab puppies in their front yard.  Heli skiing and puppies.  Did I actually die and go to heaven?  Anyway back to skiing, I was a little freaked out still about losing a ski and how rushed the morning was so not my best run, but with some new found confidence to speak up about how I'm feeling I made everyone pause at the top of our second run for meditation time.  After that I skied great, Harland took a great line over the top of a chute, and we got to watch Lynsey do her thing right after.
That was all the time we had in the field today, but when we got back to the house we got to do a Harland activity.  I'm sure I keep saying this but these spiritual self growth activities that have been peppered in all week have really made this experience incredible.  We had to find another stick, one that spoke to us again, and this time we assigned energy to it for something in our lives that we wanted to hold onto.  The phrase that he used when describing that activity and the stick was that these were our 'prayer arrows' and while we worked out exactly what it was that we were trying to hold onto both through conversation and self reflection, we decorated our sticks with yard and nature and whatever else our hearts desired.
After prayer sticks we chilled around the house a little bit then went for a run down to the beach.  Lyns and I got into some recreation and played magic fairy/unicorns in the woods.  Have I mentioned yet this blog, how special of a person she is?  Not only is she super strong both mentally and physically in the mountains, but she also comes up with some weird shit.  While running we all had to name off 3 things that we desired and had to ask the ocean for our requests.  After running, in the parking lot still, she and I broke into rap and dance for like 10 minutes.  It was magical, and on tape.  After running we all went out for pizza and I felt what it would feel like to have sisters.

Here's a picture of Huck-it Harland digging an avi pit.  If I could figure out how to upload videos to blogs I would upload a bunch- one of which is an amazingggg line that Harland took on our 2nd to last run of the day.  Guess you'll just have to ask me when I get home.

Day 5: Letting Go

Today was a long day..

Yesterday was a down day. We did some interviews, went back to Mud Bay to throw some stones, and did yoga in the most beautiful area.  Our instructor played a harmonium while we practiced in a little fire warmed house right on the beach.  We then headed out to 18 mile for dinner where Lyns opened up about the world of pro skiing.
'If anyone tells you they aren't scared up there- they're lying'
She continued on to describe how it feels to be standing alone at the top of a line and the pressure to nail it.  'Everyone is skiing at the very edge of their ability- of human ability, and that's why we come to Alaska, because it provides the grounds for that.  But it's really all the snow.  If you don't have good snow, you won't have a good run.  Mother nature decides how good of a skier you are going to be that day.'
We then headed home and broke out into song and dance about cereal on the way.  Obvious next step, stop at the one store in Haines, buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms, and have a cereal picnic.

Then today got interesting.  We woke up and had stretchy, mobility, meditation time and went up for breakfast.  On the way to breakfast we played Lynsey's manifest game where we had to talk like it was present day a year from now and we were describing everything that we had accomplished.  Once at the house we were put onto what they call a 'fire drill' which means- gear on, ready to go- but sit around.  We traveled half way up the road to our heli pick up spot and parked.  And sat.  And waited.  BUT while we waited we did a spiritual self reflection activity (all of which have been the icing on the top of an already great trip).  We walked along the beach- in our ski gear.. and picked up a stick that called to us.  We then envisioned something in our lives that we needed to let go of and transfered that energy into our stick.  After a second to ourselves to come up with what we needed to let go of we had a share circle about our personal 'let gos', and just the idea of letting go in general.  We talked about values and how to prioritize them and all the 'shoulds' in life and how you need to ask yourself if what you are doing is because you want to.. or because you think that you should.  I also think this transfers to skiing.  Sometimes you just have to let go and let your skis take you where they need to.  That is one of the things I love so much about skiing, is that you have to let go, and only focus on what you are doing as you are doing it- you don't have room for anything else.

After all that we ended up going back to base camp for a dance party, photo shoot, and rides around on something called a razor.  It's basically an all terrain ATV but instead of wheels it travels on 4 tank like paddles.  Unfortunately for us.. we drove through some mud.  And by some, I mean a lot.  And by mud, I mean there was definitely some manure mixed in there.  So we come back from our razor jaunt smelling like shit and peppered in mud and we get the call.  We're going skiing.  So we immediately throw all of our shit back into the van (her name is Spruce) and roll out.  We ended up needing to wait at the heli pad for a little bit but eventually got out into the wilderness.

Again, the entire experience was breath taking.  You could see jagged mountains in all directions and the snow was the deepest, softest, lightest snow I've ever skied.  I was blown away by the entire thing.

More skiing tomorrow.  The sisterhood continues.

Day 3: We Skied Today!

Ok so the days are starting to blend together so I'm officially glad that I'm writing some of this down.

So this morning we woke up and all we knew was the Lynsey was showing up today.. and that was about it.  Things got a little toasty last night and a lot of the crew here participated in an activity called 'drinking it blue'.  Meaning they got so drunk that the weather cleared up.  Credit to that, or credit to Lyndsey showing up but some how we skied today!

We showed up at the 18 mile house for breakfast and there was a different energy in the air.  We could see the tops of the mountains- not something that had happened so far this week, and one of our guides had whispered to me that 'the bird' would be showing up at 11.
After the heli showed up and we got our training on where and where not to stand (avoid the rotor blades) we got the green light to get suited up.  Things were starting to become very real..  everything from there was a blur.  Pants, gloves, helmet, skis, boots, poles, beacon, bag, snacks- get in the van.   We're going to the airport.  Who was at the airport? The woman herself- Lynsey Dyer.  As soon as she showed up it was all dance parties and girl power.  She came in hot though, she immediately threw on her ski pants in the parking lot and kicked a guy out of our group so that she could come along.  The first lift off in the heli was a completely new way of flying, you experience a lot fewer G-forces so there is way more of a floating experience.  We took a quick trip in the heli up into the mountains and I was completely blown away.  The mountains here are not much taller than Vermont but the way they rise, and how steep they are in some spots is so dramatic.  Then in a matter of minutes we were on the mountain top and unloaded.  You don't have enough time to realize all of the things that are happening while they are happening.  You are experiencing anxiety, joy, fear, and excitement all at the same time, and if I've even had the opportunity to practice my present minded thinking this was it.

Lynsey was a rock star on top of the mountain.  Some of the group had started moving down to the first stopping point but I got to hang back and listen to Lyns talk though 'feel your feet in your boots, they are connected to the ground, you are connected to the earth right now, take a deep breath'.
From there it was all powder skiing, turn your shoulders down the mountain, and lead from your vagina.  Our time up there was somewhat short- only 2 runs, but it felt great to get some cobwebs dusted off, and it was incredibly humbling to be skiing the terrain that we were.  After that it was on to more dance parties and delaying our heli because we were snapchatting..

We then got back to 18 mile house, played some frisbee, ate some dinner, and stole some snacks on the way out.  After helping Lynsey clear the energy in the Beverly (our place) it was time to sleep.  Probably a down day tomorrow, yoga and art on the menu.  Pics from the day below:

Day 2: Down Days

Here is some of the raw footage of the things I've done since getting here:

We rode in on a rickety sea plane with no padding on the seats.

We skipped stones on a very windy beach under the glory of the mountain ranges.

Someone rang a bell at the local bar, indicating they would buy the entire bar a round.

We woke up bright and early to get weighed and geared up.

We went though avalanche, helicopter, and beacon safety and training.

The scenery is mind blowing, but skiing in Alaska can be a waiting game.  We can't bring the helis up into the mountains unless there is pretty perfect blue bird weather.  So we didn't get to ski today.

They have weather prediction models and yeaaaars of experience, but here's a shot of some of the guides scoping out the mountains from base camp.

After the final weather call we all cracked some beers and went to an animal sanctuary to met some real Alaska creatures... anddd also some animals.  The guys that run the sanctuary were just as amusing, if not more than the animals themselves.  As he took us around and showed us a falcon, a wolf, a lynx, a porcupine, and a wolverine that is he walks on a leash- but the best part were all the throat noises he used to communicate with the animals.  This guy did not hold back, he howled at the wolf, made a weird 'GAKKing' noise at the lynx and wolverine, and kept 'refreshing' the porcupine to get her to stand up again.

After that we got back home, shot some guns, drank some more beer, played a few board games, and went to bed.  Cross your fingers for good weather today- otherwise we're doing a tour of the distillery.

Day 0: Airport Feelings Dump

Ok, so I guess I've started doing this thing to myself where I sit in airports and write about how I'm feeling what I'm about to do.  Don't travel bloggers do that?

That's not the purpose of this.. this is meant to be a way for me to share my adventures through Alaska with my friends from home (did I mention I'm on my way to ALASKA!?!), as well as relieve some of the anxiety that I'm feeling about the entire trip.
Wait.. Alaska?  Yeah, Alaska!- I had no idea a place like that would be on my bucket list, until I was thinking about going there.  The story of how I ended up going isn't nearly as exciting as the idea of going.  At least to me.  I don't know much about it (hence high anxiety) but here's what I do know:  I'll be heliskiing, I'll be with one of my favorite pro skiers and 4-8 other people, I'll be in Haines, Alaska,  I have to take a seaplane to get there, the weather is going to be a little unpredictable, aaaaaaaand that's about it.  Oh, and I'm going heliskiing!!! <- not enough emphasis on this.

Here are a few of the feelings I'm going through in the airport while trying to distract myself by playing the 'where are they going?' game with the strangers around me:

Anxious 7.5/10- what if this was all a scam and I show up in Haines and no one is there to pick me up? what if the weather is so bad we can't ski?  what if I'm so bad at skiing that I get laughed out of the trip? what if everything goes wrong?  I keep having these imposter syndrome feelings and I fairly convinced that at any point along this journey someone is going to come up to me and be like 'hahaha yeahhhhh sorry about all that- you're not actually going'. -> but here I am still so- so far, so good.

Hungry 3/10- I just ate at skinny pancake, but for some reason.. still a little hungry- I think this might just be an under lying feeling that I'm just always walking around with.

Scared 5/10- there is a certain amount of danger in heliskiing and avalanches, and just being outside in general, so yeah.. some of those feeling thrown in there.

EXCITED 1387345/10- in order to put this into context for those that may not understand, for skiers heliskiing is the ultimate act of faith and love to the sport.  For skiers, heliskiing is proposing to your partner with 2 pennies in your pocket.  For skiers, heliskiing is paying the utmost homage to the mountains and all of the beautiful, awesome, glory.  Lynsey Dyer (*favorite pro skier and the one I'm going wtih) just made a similar post (about loving the sport and the mountains and Alaska- not the high anxiety of going) and if she feels that way about heliskiing in Alaska, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL!?

Other things I'm excited about:  the scenery in Alaska, taking a sea plane, eating some delicious food, spending a week with people who are heliskiing, learning more about Lynsey's non-profit, and I'm sure a bunch of things that I don't even know are coming.

Grateful 10/10- I'm grateful that I have a body that is prepared for this.  I'm grateful that I have a work environment that is conducive to a trip like this.  I'm grateful that I have the financial stability to pay for this.  I'm grateful that I have friends and family that are being so incredibly supportive of a wild trip like this.  And I'm grateful that I had a mom that raised me to reject the idea that feminism needs to get in the way of your goals.


Proud of myself 10/10- This is now either the 2nd or 3rd (depending how you count them) times that I've thrown myself into situations that have made me tirelessly uncomfortable, but one realllllly important thing I learned about life as soon as I got out of college is super cliche.  'Get comfortable being uncomfortable'... and that's exactly what I'm doing.  It make me pretty uncomfortable to think that in less then 24 hours I may be throwing myself down a 5000 foot mountain in some of the deepest snow, and most vertical I ever have, just for a big smile at the end.  But, 'life happens at the edge of your comfort zone' and other cliche instagram sayings like that may sound cheesy when you hear them but they hold water in situations like this one- at least that's what I think.  And this isn't your blog, it's mine.

If anything, this vacation is giving me more than one reason to practice my present minded thinking as well, so if you don't mind that'll be all for now. I'll be over here- in this moment.

PS the guy right next to me is staring into space with nothing apparent to do.  No headphones, no computer, no phone.  Will check to make sure he's not a mannequin in 5 minutes- I'll update you.

Guys, I've been thinking about...

Guys, I've been thinking about this whole 'utopia society thing' a bunch these days.  For those of you that know me, you may or may not have heard me asking questions about what other people have been thinking about it.  Now, after the election of the Supreme Overload, I'm starting to think about it a little bit more myself.. and kind of wondering how to get there?  Before we get there let's talk about some of the questions I've been asking those around me and some of their answers..

Do you think utopian society is possible?
I've gotten a range of answers from 'no way, not a chance' to 'wouldn't that be nice'.  I think most would agree on this question that since everyone's version of utopia is so vastly different that it would be impossible for everyone to coexist in a singular society.  But.  Now go with me here. What if!  What if we were able to create the kind of place where everyone lives in their own version of their own utopian society and where your ideas and someone else matched up you are then able to connect with each other there.  This is starting to sound like a version of heaven that has probably already been set forth, but I think we could make it work.  And imagine all of the people that would overlap in the line for Ben and Jerry's.  Or.  Since we're talking pure utopia here- is there a line for Ben and Jerry's?

Ok, follow up question.  If utopia was possible, would it be here on Earth or would it exist elsewhere in the universe?
I mean, come on.  Utopia.  On Earth?  And I would have to say, especially over the past week or so, it's starting to look worse and worse for team Utopian Construction so I may just leave that question out from now on.  Millennials are taking this past week pretty hard.  There is a lot of hopelessness going around my generation...

If utopia was possible and they were opening the gates tomorrow, would you go?
The answer to this one has changed over the past week or so as well.  It went from 'no, I don't think so.  I'd let others check it out and join later if it goes well' to 'hell yeah, sign me up now'.  Again, this is purely speculation but I think it might have to do with the election.  A) I don't think if we build a new society where everything is perfect and blissful that we should allow people to enter the gates 'later'.  Like, we've all been here since the beginning and you're blissing out.  Sucks to be you.  B) I don't think I would go, not after I got some answers to the next question.

If utopia was possible and people lived there, would they be able to survive in that environment?
No matter who I was asking- the answer to this one became pretty apparent.  We wouldn't.  For a number of different reasons.  Most people that I talk to seem to agree upon the fact that humans are incapable of accepting 100% pure, unadulterated, happiness.  Some people are addicted to drama and conflict, which brings up the question of- if they are in fact addicted to that drama, would their personally built utopia (see question 1) then just be full of conflict and drama?  Either way, since our brains work in comparisons, we need deep rooted and pure sadness in order to experience the same level of happiness.  Which no ones seems to want to deal with- not that I blame them.  So here's my question from there- if you were able to live with juxtaposing emotions every day- intensive, extreme sadness one day, extraordinary, completely unblocked happiness the next- would you?  Would knowing that in 24 hours you emotions will flip a complete 180 degrees mess you up just as much though?  Would you be able to allow yourself to feel complete happiness knowing that in less than 24 hours you would be experiencing the worst emotional pain of your life.  Would knowing that 24 hours beyond this pain you get to feel uncontaminated happiness, make it better?  No, I'm actually asking.

I have no answers to those questions. But on a slightly less cryptic, but still utopian, note- I found out today that Soylent is a real thing.  They aren't making it out of humans yet, but I mean, Donald Trump is our president.  Anything is possible.