So I’m pretty sure the next workplace comedy show is going
to be based on the place I work. When I say workplace comedy
I’m talking about The Office or Workaholics.
And I’m saying that if it isn’t based on the Edge then it probably
should be. So I work at the Edge. The Edge is in Vermont and the moment you walk into the doors of the Edge the entire culture that Vermont prides itself on goes out the window. Well actually, technically I work for the
Parisi Speed School. The whole premise
of Parisi and what I do there is so wonderful.
We work with kids between the ages of 7 and 17 on ground speed training
and on lifting weights for the first time.
Now mind you the middle school and high school years of your life are a
very scary time and what is more important to you as a high school athlete is
how you perform. I work with these
kids on foundational athletic movements to improve their performance. And really this athletic performance bull-shit
is just a vehicle to handing out life skills.
And what boots your confidence more than actually running faster than
you used to. And before you go reading into all of this, I actually do love my job and everything I do there. I get to see the look on a kids face when they do their first chin up or when they get a higher score on our scoring system and not much beats that, so don't go running to hills shouting about how much I hate my job... because your pants would catch on fire. Anyway...
What I’m talking about in the whole ‘my life should be a
television show’ thing is how my life should actually NOT be a television show. I think someone much funnier than I am should
take ideas from my life and magnify the characters like 10-fold and produce
THAT shit. A health club right? How can
there be so much drama at a place like that? Now let me tell you… there are
100+ people working in like 8 or 9 different departments as a part of a bigger
team that involves taking money from all the same people in a small area in
northern Vermont. Now since everybody at
the club is fighting over taking the same money from the same people to go to
the same place you can see where there would become some conflict. And this conflict is the dumbest conflict ever. And everyone just LOVES to get sooooo offended BY this dumb conflict. We fight over space, people go over other people’s
heads like all the time and which department the money is getting put into the cash register as ugh the list goes on and on…
Not only do we have the conflict for a comedy show but, man,
do we have the characters too. We have
stereotypical creepy old guy (very much a mix between Kevin and Creed from the Office):
+
gay and accepted:
and yes, he does teach group classes, and I love him. The super
religious girls that WANTS to be offended every time you say dick:
the 23 year
old that is ready to pop with her second child:
multiple douchy managers, girl that won't shut the fuck up, crazy stalker girl that brings very little to the table, the guy that will go to the higher ups about anything, and meth head cleaning staff. Another list that goes on and on...
People have some really mundane jobs. *GASP* 'you're not smearing someone else's career choice are you?!' Well... no I'm not trying to, I'm trying to get everyone to understand that there are more important things in life to get stressed out about then who is using the field house space at what time, and when to change over the load of towels in the laundry (there have been multiple strings of emails going around due to missing towels- like I'm afraid I'm going to get fired if I try and shower at work- kind of hate). Your job is not the most important one here! and neither is mine. Yes, they are all very important to the day to day operation of a company that is dedicated to improving lives- but I'm sorry they just aren't the MOST important, and that's why we have so much conflict.
Now knowing all the personalities that I work with and knowing that everyone gets offended by every little thing, can you see why the characterization of these personalities could make a great office comedy? And I didn't even start on the dramatics of who is sleeping with who.. I think the fact that it’s a health club could just bring such life to the show as well. Everyone in the health industry thinks that they know more than anyone else, and instead of sharing that knowledge... we like to use it against each other. Think about the big meat head assholes that only lift upper body just to check out their pump in the mirrors... I work with them. And when I'm doing dry land training with the swim team (a sport that requires a lot of upper body and relative body strength) and you are telling my not to do push ups with them- we're going to have a problem. My god, it could just be SO FUNNY, especially if we don't focus on the goofing off like most office comedies, but on the actual arguments that go down.
So here's part of an episode for you to get to know what I'm talking about... actually this is more like the part about goofing off so it might just be the second story in the episode since it's a little thin on conflict material but it is just chalk full of comedy. Also I don't want to offend anyone, yet, by talking about our arguments.. So here we are on a rather regular day in the club. It's the beginning of the month so no one is trying desperately to steal money from anyone else (which is totally a running joke on this show). So I've heard enough about working out or world hunger from the people I work closest with and I'm wandering around the club debating between going to watch TV in the cardio room and flicking paperclips at who ever is working the front desk when I walk by the office of my partner in time theft and he looks just as bored as I feel. "Oh thank goodness! we need to have a meeting ASAP," and when we say meeting we really mean sitting there complaining about the world and watching youtube clips of cute puppies or going to the big open field house where we have field goal kicking competitions. "Yes, yes come in," he says and whips out a very funny clip of a husky telling his owner he doesn't want to go in his crate- really solid stuff. These meetings have been pretty frequent recently so there aren't anymore youtube clips to share, but wait!! "I just got turned on to this weird game that all the high schoolers play. It's called... flappy bird??" Ahhhh yes! Flappy bird- now I could write an entire blog post about how that ruins your life, but I'll spare you as the reader. For those of you that live under a rock Flappy bird is this dumb game where you try to fly a bird though a bunch of pipes, kinda like the swimming level on Mario...BUT LIKE A MILLION TIMES HARDER!! and that's it.
Now knowing all the personalities that I work with and knowing that everyone gets offended by every little thing, can you see why the characterization of these personalities could make a great office comedy? And I didn't even start on the dramatics of who is sleeping with who.. I think the fact that it’s a health club could just bring such life to the show as well. Everyone in the health industry thinks that they know more than anyone else, and instead of sharing that knowledge... we like to use it against each other. Think about the big meat head assholes that only lift upper body just to check out their pump in the mirrors... I work with them. And when I'm doing dry land training with the swim team (a sport that requires a lot of upper body and relative body strength) and you are telling my not to do push ups with them- we're going to have a problem. My god, it could just be SO FUNNY, especially if we don't focus on the goofing off like most office comedies, but on the actual arguments that go down.
So here's part of an episode for you to get to know what I'm talking about... actually this is more like the part about goofing off so it might just be the second story in the episode since it's a little thin on conflict material but it is just chalk full of comedy. Also I don't want to offend anyone, yet, by talking about our arguments.. So here we are on a rather regular day in the club. It's the beginning of the month so no one is trying desperately to steal money from anyone else (which is totally a running joke on this show). So I've heard enough about working out or world hunger from the people I work closest with and I'm wandering around the club debating between going to watch TV in the cardio room and flicking paperclips at who ever is working the front desk when I walk by the office of my partner in time theft and he looks just as bored as I feel. "Oh thank goodness! we need to have a meeting ASAP," and when we say meeting we really mean sitting there complaining about the world and watching youtube clips of cute puppies or going to the big open field house where we have field goal kicking competitions. "Yes, yes come in," he says and whips out a very funny clip of a husky telling his owner he doesn't want to go in his crate- really solid stuff. These meetings have been pretty frequent recently so there aren't anymore youtube clips to share, but wait!! "I just got turned on to this weird game that all the high schoolers play. It's called... flappy bird??" Ahhhh yes! Flappy bird- now I could write an entire blog post about how that ruins your life, but I'll spare you as the reader. For those of you that live under a rock Flappy bird is this dumb game where you try to fly a bird though a bunch of pipes, kinda like the swimming level on Mario...BUT LIKE A MILLION TIMES HARDER!! and that's it.
So since this game is extremely repetitive we came up with some, admittedly, very funny material about it. The bird's name is Toppy, since he's so top heavy and obviously he's trying to get through all the pipes to his unlimited supply of beer at the end... There is heavy debate over whether or not the bird is cute and playing just once is out of the question so we tried a few different things like racing through at the same time, coming up with 10-game averages (yes we played enough to have multiple 10-game averages, and coming up with distractions for each other.
Now this all really happened. And it happened until someone came in, called us freaks, and we went back to work- like 4 hours later. But the beauty of office and workplace comedies is that they can take a story like this a multiply it out so far that it is insanely funny. I can just picture one of us strolling into work the next day and the other one just sitting at the desk all sleep deprived, crushed up red bull cans all around and crazy 'no shower hair' just look up and be like "I had to beat my high score and I couldn't move from my lucky seat... can you cover for me while I go get showed and grab a coffee?"
Now this ended up going in a completely different direction than I originally thought.. so lets call it the icing on the workplace comedy cake. but WOO! that took a lot out of me.. you too? OK I'm sorry. Now to recap: I don't hate my job. I don't have the most important job. I actually love most of the time I spend inside those walls. I get to work in shorts and a t-shirt all day. IT COULD BE WORSE. We are having an entire team meeting though this Sunday. And when I say entire team meeting I mean like all probably 400+ people that work at a 5 different locations... so that's going to be a bundle of fun, and most likely an entire episode of this show- but I swear if they mention the towels ONE TIME...
Was I the one that called you freaks, or did more than one person do that?
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